Editor's note: "Two Classy Gents" is a humor column that will run every Monday exclusively online.
In the grand scheme of things, throughout the entirety of human existence every opinion column ever written has been well-informed, well-written and beautiful.
However, we regret to inform you that we, the Honorable Douglas B. Bruzzone and Michael Matzke, M.D., plan on tarnishing this reputation to a great degree. Sorry, faithful Mustang Daily readers. Be ready to witness the first sub-par to mediocre opinion column ever written.
Perhaps you are wondering why the Mustang Daily needs our contribution of limited quality. Truthfully, the Mustang Daily is always pushing the envelope, and by hiring us, they look to push that envelope of mediocrity. Before the Mustang Daily discovered us working at a local AMPM, we submitted slightly humorous, yet thoroughly mediocre captions for cartoons in The New Yorker. Our finest moment by far was our centerfold in The Economist. That ruffled some feathers on Wall Street; we had our own trickle-down theory. Mediocrity is an investment well worth taking.
Throughout history, many mediocre people have found success, and we are ancestrally linked to most of them. Mike’s lil’ nephew Gerald Ford fell asleep many a time at the Oval Office desk, and Doug’s great-great grandfather George Custer only lost one battle during his tenure of generalship. There are many ways to pull off being mediocre; we do it in a classy manner.
You might have heard your alcoholic uncle talk about how classy Dale Earnhardt was, and he was right on target. But you might wonder, “What is classiness? How can I, the faithful Mustang Daily reader, be classy in my everyday life?”
For starters, un-pop that collar. There you go. Now make a million dollars immediately. Good job; you’ve taken your first steps into a larger world of classiness. Webster’s defines classiness as a picture of Tom Selleck circa 1986. On the government’s color-coded classiness chart, Selleck is a Code Red stud. We’re certifiably Code Magenta, give or take a couple hues. Mustang Daily took a risk in hiring us, but baby, heads are gonna roll. Some of our future additions include:
Politically correct racial slurs
More centerfolds and more awkward nudity
Free answers to crossword puzzles (up until Tuesday)
A bake sale!
Are you excited? We sure are!
The Honorable Douglas B. Bruzzone and Michael Matzke, M.D.
At the end of every column, we will be chronicling the week’s current events. Specifically, we will give you a classy event and an uncouth faux-pas in the prior week. This is to keep you, the faithful Mustang Daily reader, tuned in on your classiness radio and provide you with some water-cooler fodder.
Classy: Harriet Miers, baby.
Uncouth: Mel Gibson reading women’s minds