Ash Pickett is a business administration senior and opinion columnist for Mustang News. Itai Lavi is a business administration junior. The opinions expressed in this article do not necessarily reflect those of Mustang Media Group.
There’s a lot of judgment around gossip. People who engage with gossip are often labeled as untrustworthy, insecure or even bad friends. But if you really think about it, gossip is actually the glue that holds us together. When done right, it’s the foundation of great friendships and is necessary for society.
We need to destigmatize it.
How’d gossip get here?
From Etymonline, an online etymology dictionary, the term “gossip” was originally used to refer to close circles of women, or a close friend or neighbor with whom you could engage in familiar talk.
Somewhere along the way, it morphed from a term used to show people’s closeness with others to a word holding a negative connotation, indicating that people are immature or conniving. Conversations involving gossip are called petty or intrusive, far from the word’s original purpose of meaningful community relations.
Today has a negative connotation. But we think it can be positive, if not necessary, for forming strong communities.
Aside from the definition of the word gossip, we can take a step back and look at what gossip as a concept has meant for human survival.
In an article published by The Guardian, Stuart Heritage writes that gossip “is what allowed early humans to live in increasingly large groups.” He shares a satirical story showing that without gossip, our ancestors wouldn’t have known that “Ug from three caves down had a collection of sharp flints,” and was therefore dangerous and certainly a caveman to avoid.
This argument is further supported in a Stanford Business Insights article stating that gossip has actually helped people disseminate information about people’s reputations, which can help people make decisions about their interactions with others. For example, if Molly knows Sarah steals from grocery stores, Molly might avoid grocery shopping with Sarah so as not to be associated with thievery.
The Stanford article also mentions how gossip can also deter selfishness, because people know that others talk about their reputation. In response to that, people are more likely to avoid selfish acts.
So there you have it, the word “gossip” was not only coined in good faith, but the concept of gossip itself has served as a survival tool for humanity through the tests of time. It can make us better people, albeit in a bit of a shame-inducing, roundabout way.
How gossip continues to bring people together
Think about your three closest friends. Can you name one that you never talk about other people with? The answer is likely no. That’s because gossip is what brings people together. To most, other people are one of the most interesting things on the planet. No wonder we want to talk about them!
From sophomore through junior year, I lived with the same set of roommates. Throughout most of my sophomore year, there was the sentiment that we would avoid gossiping about other people because we didn’t want to come off as bad people.
When other people were brought up, we’d veer away from the subject to avoid sounding like the “bad guy.” But as my roommates neared graduation and became a little less strict about how they talked about people, our own dynamic changed.
We got a lot closer, and I’d attribute a lot of that to late-night talks in the kitchen about what was going on with the people around us. These small, intimate moments now make up as many of my favorite college memories as the flashy nights out or weekend excursions you might normally think of.
It also made us feel more comfortable in our own home. We knew who the others weren’t too happy having around, so we’d avoid inviting those people over. Because there were fewer secret opinions between us, we also felt like we could act more like our true selves.
If you’re doing it right, gossip can also be a great way to get constructive feedback or additional input from your friends about how you view situations. By opening up this safe space, as mentioned before, friends will feel more comfortable being honest with each other, leading to more candid advice or opinions on situations.
Humans are social creatures, and that means our lives include dumb things other people do. We shouldn’t feel like we need to suppress the desire to talk about other people, within reason.
Don’t gossip for the wrong reasons
The kind of gossip that brings people together is the kind where you don’t intentionally tear other people down for the wrong reasons. These “wrong reasons” can include things like inflating your personal ego, manipulating people into disliking somebody else for your own gains or spreading rumors that would hurt someone’s reputation.
When you gossip about someone for any of these reasons, it can still bring you closer to someone else. There’s still that shared sense of empowerment and satisfaction that both sides might get from propagating a story. But those positive effects are outweighed by the negatives that come along with negative gossip.
Think about the last time you talked smack about someone: how did you feel when you sat alone with yourself after? For a bit, you might’ve ridden the high. It’s like a power trip, an addiction.
Then, like every high, you start to crash. You feel worse about yourself than you did before. It’s just not worth it to tear someone down for your own ego’s inflation.
Not only that, but at the end of the day, the people you’re gossiping about are still real people with real lives and feelings. Going too far can have real consequences, like creating a version of a person that doesn’t exist, and holding onto those preconceived notions without giving the person a chance to show you who they truly are. This closed-mindedness is never beneficial to any party involved.
That’s why when you gossip, you have to do it the right way. Then, you’ll reap all the benefits without any of the costs.
There’s a way to gossip right (and here’s how to do it)
First and foremost: keep confidentiality sacred. If someone tells you something in confidence, don’t repeat it. Responsible gossip strengthens relationships through trust, not through exposure to everyone else.
It’s also important to be selective about who you gossip with. If you start gossiping with anyone and everyone, it’s very possible that being a gossiper will become your reputation. That can damage your credibility and, worse, you might get into the habit of defaulting to gossip in conversation. It’ll become easy to lose sight of what it’s like to talk about other subjects that are just as interesting and just as important. In this way, gossip can become the crutch you lean on in conversation.
But if your goal is to be selective about who you gossip with, how do you discern who you can trust?
The most important factor is choosing people who feel genuine to you and who you feel close to. When you talk to them, ask yourself: Does this person have my best interest in mind? Are they listening and sharing openly and candidly? Why do they want to gossip? Is what they’re telling me reliable and productive?
If you can find someone who is open-minded, trustworthy with your secrets, open about themselves and actually fun to talk to, you might’ve just found a gossip buddy and a lifelong friend.
Once you have that friend, consider what topics are gossip-worthy. Responsible gossip can center around sharing valuable insight, venting in confidence to process feelings and reflecting on serious frustrations.
Talking about these things can be cathartic. It can help people become better versions of themselves when they have a sounding board to give them honest advice and feedback.
Still, a key piece about gossiping the right way is knowing when to stop. Again, gossip is addictive. It’s easy to fall into speculative conversation built upon assumptions made about other people. The point of gossip isn’t to tear down other people or make up new rumors about what they may or may not have done. At that point, it can be more destructive than constructive.
It’s best to redirect the conversation away from a speculative one and back to a truth-seeking one before it crosses the line unnecessarily. If you can do that, and keep gossip time constructive and vulnerable, you’re helping build strong social bonds that can last a lifetime.