Jack Ingram

It’s time for the tree-hugging, commie liberals to quit whining about conservatives. Conservatives aren’t that bad – comparatively. Be thankful conservatives aren’t like fascists. Can you imagine an ideology opposed to liberal democracy, comprised predominantly of big business, farmers and landowners, which promotes fear of liberals and environmentalists, and espouses a doctrine curtailing the rights, liberties and freedoms of individuals? Can you imagine?

Clearly, conservatives are nothing like fascists.

Throughout American history, while pinko liberals were “pissing their pants” over stupid things like liberty, equality and peace, conservatives have advocated for noble causes such as the right of prayer in public school, the right of black people to have separate public facilities and the age-old right of women to be paid less than men for equal work.

Furthermore, for 33 years conservatives have fought for the rights of unborn babies and their mothers. Specifically, conservatives have fought to overturn the disgusting law that allows only licensed physicians, in a sanitary government-regulated environment, to conduct abortions. Conservatives are making great strides at overturning this sickening law, and are close to restoring the right of unborn babies to be scraped out of the womb with a wire hanger by agonizing mothers who are likely to die from infection (or who just wish that they had) and to be left in dumpsters in the back-alleys of America’s urbanities. Until unborn babies and their mothers have this right fully restored, conservatives shall not rest.

Last Wednesday, South Dakota lawmakers passed a bill to ban all abortions in the state, knowing that such a law will likely reach the Supreme Court, where the same legal precedents established in Roe v. Wade (1973) will be reviewed, this time by a majority conservative bench, thanks to the recent Bush appointees. As if things couldn’t get better, the governor of South Dakota, Mike Rounds, a Republican, stated that he is “inclined to sign” the bill into law, a law that would make abortions illegal in every instance – even if the pregnancy is the result of rape, incest or poses a serious threat to the health of the mother.

Note to self: Add South Dakota to the list of places to avoid –

I tried for hours to “think” like a conservative before it dawned on me: To think like a conservative requires that one simply not think at all, at least not critically. In order to be conservative, all one needs to do is believe; to believe that you, and others like you are right, and that everyone else is wrong, and to never, ever, under any circumstances question that belief. Conservatives believe that if they can codify into law how things ought to be, that societal phenomena like abortion will magically disappear.

Sadly, such idiocy appears to be the norm rather than the exception throughout conservatives circles. This is evidenced by the positions of conservatives toward other socio-political issues: conservatives believe if they can legally ban homosexuality that homosexuals will just stop being gay; they believe that if teenagers aren’t informed about safe sex that the consequences of unsafe sex will cease to occur; that if we deny the existence of racial inequities (like opposing affirmative action) that racism will cease to exist; that if religious doctrine is re-named and re-packaged as a “scientific theory” (as with intelligent design) that people will fail to make the distinction.

While abortion is not a pleasant reality, it is a reality nonetheless. But for conservatives, the solution to abortion isn’t effective or realistic laws aimed at mitigating the actual conditions correlated with abortion (i.e. failing reproductive/sex education in public schools; religion in public institutions). The answer for conservatives is to think happy thoughts and to ignore reality.

Conservative ideology requires a logical leap of faith. A perfect example is most conservatives who claim to oppose abortion (i.e. “pro-life”) almost always support capital punishment (i.e. the death penalty). How can people who claim to be “pro-life” in one instance be “pro-death” in another?

A note to all the pro-lifers and other conservatives who may write a letter to the editor: Please, try not to use Jesus or the Bible as a crutch for any logical shortcomings that your argument might, and probably will have.

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