Ryan Chartrand

As a journalism major, I’m accustomed to a few things. These range from getting weird looks from people outside of San Luis Obispo when I tell them I’m not an engineering or architecture student even though I go to a “polytechnic” school, all the way to the lack of real studying that I have to do for my major courses.

When I see the “25-35 Hours” study posters plastered around school, I usually laugh just at the mere thought of someone having to spend that much time on work. While my days at Cal Poly have been educational and definitely worthwhile, I wouldn’t really say that I have had to stress too much about coursework. That’s the life of a journalism major, but I’ll go out on a limb and say that the entire College of Liberal Arts is somewhat on the same page.

Now before you jump on me and try to tell me how much work you actually do as a fellow student in the College of Liberal Arts1, just hang on, because that is not the topic of this “Guide to Life.”

Instead of talking about the somewhat easy path that liberal arts students have, I’m going to guide you through something that these student actually would never be used to here at Cal Poly. That, of course, is the job fair.

So, before I get into this column and have someone from the counseling offices point out how there are liberal arts fairs here2, I must say that as a student in my last quarter at Cal Poly3, I don’t know of any. So, excuse me if I’m wrong, but really I’m just going to say that if I don’t know of any, they don’t exist4.

Anyway, back on topic. The job fair is something that I’ve seen many times in the hallowed papers of the Mustang Daily, and they always show what kinds of great companies will be on campus for the future engineers, architects and those going into business5.

Aware to me or not though, I know these job fairs take place as what seems like a common-day thing at Cal Poly, and one of my favorite things to do is to observe my fellow Mustangs as they walk to a job fair. So, without further ado, and any longer of an intro, here is my guide to going to a job fair – of course, all through the eyes of an outside observer.

First of all, it seems like you have to make sure you look as damn good as possible for these things. When I see people going to the job fairs, it seems like you will only get hired if you are able to match your tie to your shirt, your shirt to your jacket, your jacket to your pants, your pants to your shoes, your shoes to your belt … holy shit! I’m getting nervous just writing this.

Not to mention that slick new folder you need to buy to carry all of your resumes! I wonder how you actually do it when you go to these fairs.

I suggest that you think back to that winter break when you went shopping with your mom, and get the same exact suit that she picked out for you then6. Because, nothing screams “hire me” more than just the fanciest suit you can buy, right? And you know what they say: You have to dress for the job you want, not the job you have?

Of course, it would probably be good to shower and fix up that hair, you future millionaire, you.

Of course, when you get to these fairs, make sure to smile and charm the heck out of those recruiters. I’m sure that after a long day of sitting behind a table, there is nothing a recruiter wants to see more than those pearly whites over and over again.

I’m also sure that they haven’t had their asses kissed enough times yet that you can’t work your magic. This is your time to shine, so make sure that you feed them with enough lines that everyone else has told them all day that they’ll instantly fall in love with you too.

Well, that is all I have for now. Like always, I hope you learned something and that you’ll take my advice so that you will look like and probably talk like every single other person that will attend the same exact fair you’re going to, and will be competing for the same exact job that you’re going for. Love and peace and go get ’em with that fancy suit of yours, you sexy beast!

1 Not too worried though since if you are as lazy as me, you wouldn’t write a letter anyway. Not that I’m scared of your letters though, so bring it.
2 And I’m sure that my articles are at the top of Cal Poly counselors’ reading lists.
3 That’s right, learn as much as you can from me before I’m out of here.
4 Cause this is my article, and I’m always right.
5 Wanted to say businessmen, but then I would also have to say businesswomen, and that is just too much to type … oh wait.
6 At least that is what I do when I have something important to go to.

Mike Heimowitz is a journalism senior and Mustang Daily humor columnist. Feel free to offer him any jobs that require sexy suits at mikeheimowitz.com.

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