Ryan Chartrand

I have a confession to make: I created an eHarmony profile.

Let me explain. I did it as a social experiment. I did it for you. I also did it in response to Taylor Moore’s column this week about online dating.

It sounded safe. Just go on, take the test and find out if there is anyone out there who is my “match.” Well, easier said than done.

First, I had to fill out a comprehensive personality test.

I am most thankful for my friends, family, and .

My friends would say that I am creative, easy-going, spiritual and loyal.

I am “somewhat” – no – “mostly” honest.

Wait, do I find pleasure and contentment in simple things, or do I crave new experiences and adventure?

I figured I would just get an e-mail with the names and locations of a few coeds. That would be funny. That would be enough. But no.

DJ, 24, from Massachusetts is a “personal banker.”

Andy, 26, from Albuquerque is probably a bigot.

Matt, 25, from Fort Worth likes kids and cigarettes.

It seems that none of my “matches” are even matches.

But wait, it’s not like it matters anyway. I am not actually going to follow up on this thing. I loathe the idea of a match made in “digital heaven.” I’m old-fashioned like that.

But I look, I judge, I contemplate. What if one of these guys is my match?

Jeremiah, 25, from Seattle seems interesting …

Ew, click the “x” before you get any ideas.

But I get more e-mails informing me that I have another match, another match, another match. Jonathan. Rick. Justin.

Now I feel bad, like I’m e-leading them on. I did set up a profile with the intention of using my potential “matches” for an ego boost. My original idea of “it’s OK to look” had turned into a full-blown ethical dilemma. (And guess what? It’s NOT OK to look!)

Jeremiah wants to start communication.

DJ would like you to answer his questions.

Oh dear, this is going to be hard to stop. The e-mails just keep rolling in. While I by no means wish for them to stop – what girl wouldn’t want to have five e-mails a day telling her that she has yet another “match”? – I know that I have to end my relationship with eHarmony.

I look one last time. Justin has a “closed” message? What does that mean? He has a private message for me, or what? Well, my curiosity won over my rationality once more.

Oh. He’s e-breaking up with me. Hey, he seemed nice, too. (This I found once I took a peek at what I was missing.) He explained, though: no photos/not enough information. Phew, good thing, too – he may have fallen for me.

And another “closed” message. I prepare myself for its contents. “Too much physical distance between us.” Hey, how did he know I distance myself from relationships when they get too serious? Jerk.

Ooooooh, he’s referring to that fact that he lives on the opposite side of the country. Riiiiiight.

Now I have to stop.

I log off. That’s it. It’s over between us, eHarmony. It’s not me; it’s you.

And like that, it was over quicker than it began.

Confession number two: I still haven’t figured out how to actually quit the program and delete my profile.

So, yes, I will still be receiving those nice little e-mails.

eHarmony match found.

eHarmony match found.

eHarmony match found.

Allison Baker is an English senior, Mustang Daily columnist and pop-culture enthusiast.

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