Ryan Chartrand

While the release of “Jackass 2” is a hit among college students, there is a time and place where it might be appropriate to be like your onscreen “Jackass” favorites. The classroom, however, is not one of those places. In this guide to life, I will provide you with the various classifications of Jackasses so that you know what to look for in others and what to avoid doing yourself.

The first is the one that I strongly feel is the most important. That is, don’t be The Question-Asking Jackass. Normally, these people sit in one of the outer rows in class and every time they open their mouths, everyone’s attention in class is focused on them. They usually hold a coffee thermos. I’m not talking a Julian’s cup1, but rather a huge canister holding the caffeine that keeps them firing questions throughout the class period. They usually use a simple formula for talking:

Say the phrase, “So would it be true that.” then take exactly what the professor just said and rearrange it in your own words.

Professors usually enjoy this and give reply, “That is exactly right,” leaving a huge smile on the student’s face. This might be great for the brown-noser, but it leaves the rest of the class bored out of their minds and wanting to get the hell out of class.

At this point, you might be thinking, “Damn, this Mike guy is just venting right now.” Could be true, but you know what I’m saying is right. If you don’t agree, then you’re likely the one being the Question-Asking Jackass, and you might need to re-read the last few paragraphs so you know what you’re doing every day.

The second kind of Jackass, while sometimes entertaining, is often just obnoxious. This is The Annoying Ringtone Jackass. Guys, read closely for a second. I know that Kelly Clarkson’s “Since You’ve Been Gone” might have been a popular song, but in no way should you express this. If you are likely to forget to turn your phone to vibrate, you probably shouldn’t have Kelly Clarkson as your ringtone in the first place.2

Oh, and girls, Justin Timberlake’s “SexyBack” is getting annoying. Once you are done reading this article, please change it. Again, we are all in this together.

This brings me to my next thing to avoid: being The Crush Swooping Jackass. So, since the first day of class you’ve been sitting next to that hot girl (or guy). As the days have gone on, conversation has been getting better, and hey, you are even friends on facebook.4 But, one day you come in a few minutes late and what do you see? The Crush Swooping Jackass sitting next to your girl (or guy). He knows what he’s doing. There isn’t much more to say about this than wait until next quarter and don’t screw your fellow male compadres.5

There are many more Jackasses that my column’s word count limit just won’t allow me to include. I’ll try to name them off here in the most self explanatory names I can give you. Don’t be The Guy Who Wears Tons of Cologne Just to Class Jackass, The Jackass Who Never Remembers to Bring Pencils, Paper, etc., The Girl Who Needs a Belt or Tighter Jeans So That Her Ass Doesn’t Hang Out Jackass, and finally The Jackass Who Seemingly Has an Endless Supply of Chips and Keeps Eating Them for the Full Two Hours.

Once again, it’s been real. I just hope now that you take the preventive measures to avoid Jackass-ness from now on.

Mike Heimowitz is a journalism senior and Mustang Daily columnist. Check him out at www.mikeheimowitz.com.

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