Ryan Chartrand

There are only a few things that college students really spend a lot of time doing. One is procrastinating from doing anything productive like studying and the other is spending all day on facebook. Because of this, I feel that it is necessary to give you the Part 2 to your facebook addiction, to make sure that you are managing your time on facebook wisely. If you missed Part 1, hurry over to www.mustangdaily.com1. While the tips in here are important, everything in Part 1 should still be followed as well.

First thing to look at are profile interests. Now this one will be directed mostly at you guys, but ladies can go ahead and help out your guy friends if you see this happen. Basically, if your profile interests list stuff like “workin’ out,” “drinkin,” and “ladies,” go ahead and take all that crap out. Nobody needs to know how much of a college boy you really are, so having that stuff in there is just unnecessary and makes you look more like a total douche.

In reality, if that is in your profile you are likely trying to cover up some of your insecurities. If you really must list things, more realistically it’s probably stuff like, “workin’ out (my right arm to Internet porn), drinkin’ (well can’t do that much anymore because of the TOTALLY LAME RAs), and ladies (cause dude I swear even though when I got drunk and ran around naked when it was just a bunch of us dudes and totally humped the sofa, that DOESN’T MAKE ME GAY, SO SHUT THE HELL UP).”

Moving on to one of my favorite parts of any person’s profile, which is the quote section. Ladies, this next tip is mostly for you. Please, just take out the quote, “You’re only as strong as the tables you dance on, the drinks you mix, and the friends you roll with.” First of all, being “strong as the friends you roll with” just doesn’t quite make sense at all2. Second, and most important, is that this quote isn’t just overly used, overly cliched, and just flat out lame, but also extremely insensitive.

Understand this: somewhere in the world, maybe even near you, there are huge girls who continuously try dancing on tables, to no avail. Table after table has broken from their attempts to dance to either “My Humps” or “SexyBack,” and putting that quote in your profile will only encourage this to keep happening. While the table industry is now booming from the amount of tables being bought because of your facebook profile quote, in the end, the only thing that’s happening is huge women falling to the floor, and huge tears falling down their faces. So seriously, if you insist on keeping the quote, at least change it to say something like, “You’re only as strong as your inner beauty, which is so so so strong but you probably should stop eating,” and then continue on with the rest of the quote. You know me. I’m just trying to make the world a better place, this time by helping one huge girl at a time3.

Next comes facebook groups, and there really is one kind that has to go. Pretty much, if you lost your cell phone, stop inviting the whole world to your stupid group because this is only going to hurt you. Hurt you? Me? You?4 Well, while it is always entertaining to read the reason you lost your phone (i.e. “it fell in the toilet” or “I have no idea what happened BECAUSE I WAS, LIKE, SO DRUNK”), this will usually share more information with the public than you would have thought could happen. So, you have this group with the wall that everyone can post on and everyone can read.

Some people will give you their numbers like you hoped for, but a good amount will then remind your drunk ass what really happened. Stuff like, “It fell in the toilet again? I hate how your upset stomach with your raging shit had to lead to this! Get better!” or “Oh my god, did you ask Tyler or Brett or Chad or Brad if they have it? You totally were like hooking up with all of them at that Kappa Omicron Kappa5 frat party last night and it probably is in one of their rooms” will surely show up on the group’s wall. The truth hurts, but that could have been avoided if you didn’t create the group in the first place.

Well, that brings me to the end of another “Guide to Life.” As always, I hope you learned something, will change your profile and maybe start studying for those midterms and finals that you’ve been putting off6.

1 As long as I keep pluggin’, they’ll keep publishin.’
2 And as you can see by how strict my own writing rules are, I would be able to point something like that out.
3 Of course, remember, they do have GREAT personalities!
4 Sorry, I confused myself a bit there.
5 They prefer to be called by their full name, rather than KOK for short.
6 Or read more of my articles on, where else, but my favorite Web site that should be your favorite too, www.mustangdaily.com!

Mike Heimowitz is a journalism senior and Mustang Daily humor columnist. See how he dances when no one’s looking at mikeheimowitz.com.

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