It’s not a word I want to be associated with. However, considering my actions on the evening of Jan. 26, I may have just earned that title.
It all started with the rumor that the Kardashians were coming to Pismo Beach to film their show, “Keeping Up With the Kardashians.” I received intel they would be in downtown Pismo, so I was prepared to travel at first sight of the Kardashian Krew.
The moment I saw Khloe’s post on Instagram of what appeared to be the Oceano Dunes, I knew it was go-time.
My friend Trevor and I took off on an adventure that became increasingly unbelievable, not to mention borderline illegal.
While driving my Dodge Charger — not an all-terrain vehicle, mind you — across the beach at the Oceano Dunes, we spotted the dune buggy that was featured on Khloe’s Instagram earlier that evening. Next to the truck carrying Khloe’s buggy was a production crew loading camera equipment into an unmarked van.
This sighting was the ultimate lead. It’s also where things got creepy and kind of dangerous.
We followed the van off the beach, through downtown Pismo, into a random parking lot — I had assumed they caught onto me and were using evasive techniques — and finally into the Ventana Grill parking lot.
At this point, I knew I had almost secured the deal. The production crew was now carrying camera equipment and lighting into the restaurant. We made a reservation and waited by the entrance for the action to start.
By the time our table was ready, we had already learned Bruce, Khloe and Scott were seated prior to our arrival.
This is the point where I transitioned from creepy stalker to pathetic fangirl.
My hands were shaking. I felt unnecessarily nervous and every cell in my body was urging me to just go sit at the table and hug them. The hostess could tell what our motive was, and she politely explained to us our table would be right next to the Kardashians and that we had to walk around the production crew to get to our seats.
The following 30 minutes may or may not have been the most fulfilling 30 minutes of my life.
My goal to take selfies with Khloe and Scott — from a distance — was fulfilled within the first few minutes of sitting down. Shortly after awkwardly taking the photos, Scott Disick, the father of Kourtney Kardashian’s children, asked nearby tables if they wanted the rest of his appetizer.
I was speechless, but Trevor saved the day.
He tried to get Disick’s attention by yelling his name from where we sat. We didn’t get the appetizer, but this outburst caught the star’s attention and prompted a short yet thrilling conversation with the Kardashian Krew.
As we confessed our love to Khloe, she replied with, “Aww, you guys are so sweet. How are you doing?” followed by Bruce turning to me and saying, “Hey man, what’s up?”
Then came the cameras. Both the camera and lighting operators turned toward Trevor and me.
We both panicked.
Both of us waved at the camera and muttered the most painfully awkward “hi” you could ever imagine. The cameramen turned back to the real talent and the producer leaned over and explained we just wasted our one chance of being on reality television by being so awkward.
Story of my life.
I posted my Kardashian selfies online to salvage what self esteem I had left. As I was doing so, a security guard looked over my shoulder and caught me in the act. He shined a light on me and advised me to stop. I had already written the Instagram caption and chosen my filter, so there was no turning back — I was posting that picture no matter what. I actually posted multiple on Facebook and Instagram, and he knew what I was up to.
In reaction to my defiance, the security guard sent someone over to block my table’s view of the filming.
Bruce, Scott and Khloe all ended up leaving soon after, when countless fans started showing up to the restaurant.
Though my dinner with the Kardashians ended on an anticlimactic note, I was content with the overall experience.
In the end, though I didn’t get Khloe’s number — or even Scott’s — I ended up with some fun photos and a great story to tell my grandchildren to write about on the Internet.
Editor’s note: All references use Bruce Jenner in place of Caitlyn because at the time he had not chosen to publicly identify as a woman.