It is an obstacle I first encountered in eighth grade during a date to the movie theater with my boyfriend at the time — so romantic, I know.

Don’t ask what movie we saw or how crowded the theater was, all I know is we paid to sit in a corner and kiss for the duration of the film — you’d be lying if you said you never have. It was during said make-out session that I learned the nose plays a large role in how these escapades play out.

The nose presents itself as an obstacle in the kissing world, forcing a person to tilt their head one direction, which is then counter-acted by their partner tilting their head in the opposite direction. This can lead to a kink in the neck if the session lasts for an extended amount of time with little room for movement. It can also be a symptom of a bad kisser who lacks skill in creative movements.

By now, it should be common knowledge to college students that variation is the key to successful kissing. It keeps the other person guessing what’s next and yearning for more.

For some, the nose is a more prominent facial feature, but nobody is completely nose-less, so learning to work with the schnoz is a must.

A friend turned me on to a nose-gone-wrong story and peaked my interest in how much punch this facial feature can pack. It turns out, when people least expect it, their nose can go rogue.

Depending on how intimate the situation is, there are varying levels of offense. So, I will use a movie-style rating system — in honor of my first nose encounter — to recount embarrassing nose malfunctions. (If you find bodily functions vulgar it would be advisable to stop reading after the PG account.)

  • G: The dam that restrains the Niagara Falls of nose bleeds can break at very inconvenient times. For two passion-driven lovers, they didn’t realize until it was too late. By the time kissing ceased, blood was everywhere and there was nothing to do but laugh it off and wash their faces.
  • PG: Picture this: girl, guy, bed and heated grinding. He tries to switch it up and mount his mustang but, instead, elbows her square in the nose. Accusations of bloody and broken noses were argued over but dismissed; then came the text. The next morning girl received a text from boy confirming that blood was shed. He found the evidence crusted onto his pillow — laundry anyone?
  • PG-13: It may not be the most common technique, but it can have abrupt repercussions. I am talking about utilizing the nose while going down on a girl. According to my sources, midway through the job the urge to sneeze can suddenly take over. The next thing you know, you’re wiping more than just sneeze off your face.
  • R: This should be a cautionary tale to all who desire fellatio while nursing a cold. It appears as though when you combine a runny nose with oral sex it leads to a leaky orifice. In laymen’s terms: there once was an ill girl who blew and ended up with a nose full of goo.
  • X: To be honest I couldn’t find a real life account of this happening, but it is hopefully a matter of time until I do. Either way I feel the need to say that the ultimate nose-gone-wrong story would be breaking a nose during the dirty. Just imagine it, one thing leads to another and a position change is attempted when — BAM — elbow to the face triggers a flood of blood and a trip to the emergency room for a nose realignment.

It is impossible to predict events like these; they are situations to be dealt with when the time comes.

The best advice I can give after consulting with my sources is to be comfortable with the person you’re with. This way, if the romance goes awry, there will be minimal awkwardness because humiliation can be agreeably cast aside.

Otherwise, carry tissues.

Karlee Prazak is a Mustang Daily copy editor and journalism junior.

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5 Comments

  1. Okay really? This article is completely pointless and stupid. All the “stories” aren’t even funny, and again, it’s poorly written. As for this lovely accusation : “… you’d be lying if you said you never have…”
    That’s utter and total BS. Not everyone goes to the movies to make out, and as it happens I never have. So what? Why is that even a big deal to you?
    Apparently the Mustang Daily is desperate for writers, since they seem to be hiring anyone who claims to “Write” these days. This “article” is a huge pile of steaming crap.

  2. Okay really? This article is completely pointless and stupid. All the "stories" aren’t even funny, and again, it’s poorly written. As for this lovely accusation : "… you’d be lying if you said you never have…"
    That’s utter and total BS. Not everyone goes to the movies to make out, and as it happens I never have. So what? Why is that even a big deal to you?
    Apparently the Mustang Daily is desperate for writers, since they seem to be hiring anyone who claims to "Write" these days. This "article" is a huge pile of steaming crap.

  3. hey melissa, sounds like you are bitter towards the sex column… is it cause you just havent gotten any action in a while? hope your dry spell ends soon so you stop harassing this hilarious column!

  4. I’m not bitter towards the sex column, I’m bitter towards poorly written pieces that use “controversial material” to hide behind, especially when there are plenty of other sources for this information that they “write” about.
    If this person wants to write about this stuff, they need to do better!
    As for your other assumptions, they’re just that. Assumptions. I’m not “harassing” anyone. Last time I checked, stating opinions on articles in a public forum was allowed.

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