Douglas B. Bruzzone and Michael Matzke

Editor’s note: “Two Classy Gents” is a Mustang Daily online exclusive humor column.

First, a word of warning. Reading the rest of this column could cause your brain to explode. No, seriously. If you’re concerned with the possibility of your brain exploding, read no further as we will illustrate that Scientology is not only the best religion, but the only religion.

Remember that dude Greg in middle school who used to smoke near the handball courts? Well, Scientology is a little like him: really awesome. One day, a man named L. Ron Hubbard (the L stands for Lovable!) was enjoying a reuben sandwich when he stumbled upon an idea that changed mankind forever. He invented a machine that made people cool. In fact, you might have seen it on Family Matters when Urkel became Stefan.

By far, this event marks the greatest start to any religion. Islam invented the world’s largest hat, pre-Abe Lincoln. Christianity invented having a sense of humor (see: Horatio Sanz). And Mormons invented . . . well, nothing yet, but we’re rooting for them.

So back to Lovable Ronnie’s lil’ story. After inventing his machine, he set out to recruit the coolest people of all time to enter his religion. After seeing his bulbous and bulge-arrific bell-bottoms on Saturday Night Fever, Hubbard enlisted the certainly-not-gay John Travolta to spread the seed of Scientology. And, after laughing himself silly during Risky Business, Hubbard then called upon the also-certainly-not-gay Tom Cruise because someone had to look ridiculous on Oprah. Hubbard finally had the threesome he always dreamed of.

L. Ronnie sat down at his desk to write the Bible for Scientology. Dianetics was a worldwide phenomenon, covering up the mistake of his lovable yet highly ineffective first attempt, the seminal “Everybody Poops.” Dianetics focuses on an event 75 million years ago when Xenu, overlord of the galaxy, threw hundreds of billions of aliens into volcanoes on Teegeeack (which is what they called Earth), and then detonated H-bombs within the volcanoes, all in order to solve the galaxy’s rampant overpopulation. But don’t fret, faithful Mustang Daily reader. Overlord Xenu has been imprisoned in an electronic-mountain-trap after six years of arduous battle. No, we are not drunk. Hubbard is simply a genius, and if you don’t believe us, you can research these historical facts on the Internet, or in the upcoming Goosebumps novella “Go Eat Worms!”

Do you have lots of money and don’t know what to do with it? Scientology! Do you ever feel like allergies get the best of you? Get Scientological, baby! Didn’t you think Battlefield Earth was the best movie you’ve ever seen? YES.

Congratulations! By reading the answers to these questions, you have become a loyal Scientology compatriot. Just read the testimonials of these famous people and enjoy your new luxurious life of Scientology:

“I’m so happy. I’ve never been so happy before. Tom and I have that special kind of love called ‘forever love’. Happy.” -Katie Holmes

“Did you just make a gay joke about me? Aw, forget it. Therapists suck.” -Tom Cruise

“Despite my comically oversized horse head and frail human body, Scientology embraced me.” -Musty the Mustang

Classy: Quoting L. Ron Hubbard, like we’ll do here: “If a man really wanted to make a million dollars, the best way to do it would be start his own religion.”

Uncouth: People exploding themselves. Come on, dude. You’re trying to be party poppers, but you’re really just party poopers.

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