Ryan Chartrand

It’s a good thing Greek gods don’t interfere with humanity anymore or else everyone involved in the production of “Poseidon” would have found themselves impaled by a trident and their homes buried in the sea.

“Poseidon” tells the story of a luxurious ocean liner that sails into a wave from hell that flips the ship over completely. The amazing aspect about “Poseidon” is that the film flips over and drowns before the ship does.

When it comes to “Get ready for the summer!” action films, Hollywood prefers not to push a story beyond whatever it develops within the first 15 minutes. In the greatest race in all film history, “Poseidon” gets all of its character development out of the way for 11 characters within 15 minutes and never closes any loose ends. How can you consciously release a film where you forget to explain the story behind Richard Dreyfus’s possibly gay character and his failed suicide attempt? I suppose it sure makes it easy to kill people off when you don’t let them talk to each other about anything other than “how to open the next door and move the meaningless plot.”

“Poseidon” is essentially about an endless sequence of obstacles that the fearless group of individuals aboard the ship must overcome. Josh Lucas, Kurt Russell, Richard Dreyfus and a young boy who constantly needs to be saved are among the group of undeveloped heroes trying to escape the overturned ship. Thankfully, the word “conveniently” is written all about the script, so anytime an obstacle seems too difficult, there’s always a well-situated answer waiting on deck. As for explaining how a group of people can escape an overturned cruise ship, it’s all a matter of throwing science overboard and hoping the next ladder leads to a shiny exit sign. When it comes down to it, everything is as predictable as expected, yet still mildly intense and entertaining in spots. I’m all for fun and exciting movies, but when characters are as pointless as this, you shouldn’t be wasting your money.

Between the ridiculously abrupt ending and the unrealistic action sequences, I was beginning to wonder how the director of “The Day After Tomorrow” was not involved. In fact, the director of two great films, “Troy” and “The Perfect Storm,” was at the helm of “Poseidon.” The cinematography came from the brilliant mind who did “Master and Commander,” the music from the epic “Pirates of the Caribbean” and as stated before, the cast is a strong lineup of veterans. Everything should add up to greatness and something the great Poseidon and his seashell necklace would have been proud of, right?

Wrong. The screenplay is an adaptation of a novel by Paul Gallico, a praised author. However, like most adapted screenplays, the book is once again far better than its film counterpart. A gentleman whose only other experience comes from “The Cell,” a story so good they starred Jennifer Lopez as the lead role, wrote the screenplay. Adding to the fact that it’s an adaptation, it’s also a remake of a 1972 version called “The Poseidon Adventure.” Ever heard of a good remake, let alone a good film based on a book?

“Poseidon” is a fearful reawakening that no matter how great of a cast, director and production team a film may have, remaking a classic or letting a rookie write a novel adaptation is doomed to fail. If this reawakes the Greek gods to bring vengeance upon as all, everyone be sure to point at these guys if you want to live.

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