The Hoof is a satire column created to find the humor in the daily life of Cal Poly students. If you’re looking for news, this is not it. If you’re looking for sports, this is kind of it, because we’re having a ball. Ha. Puns.
Hannah Benson is a journalism senior and satire columnist. The views represented do not necessarily reflect those of Mustang News.
Winter Quarter is fine.
Meanwhile, its successor, Spring Quarter, is fun, flirty and has SO many parties. Like any quarter (or middle child) who’s jealous of another, it’s time to resort to drastic measures: implementing an unhelpful piece of advice at least one of the COMS 101 professors has told you. Yes, Cal Poly students, you can “fake it ‘till you make it” for the next ten weeks. Here’s your guide on how to transform the gloom of Winter to the careless air of Spring.
Beat the Rain with a Pool Day
Perhaps Bishop’s is too muddy and your walk to school has prevented you from being fully dry until April. Luckily, nothing has been built and the construction on campus has a bunch of professionally dug pits about to fill with rainwater, i.e. swimming pools. This Thursday, pack your inflatable donut and snap a pic for Instagram and complete the experience with the hashtags: “#chillvibes”, “#neededthis” and “#Aglish”.
Manage a Cold with Roses
Say it’s just allergies after placing flowers throughout your apartment. Bonus points for doing this on February 14 (hot).
Find Stability in your Classes with the Cool Factor
The Quarter System believes it’s a good idea to combine rigorous classes and additional units during the gloomiest ten weeks of the year. Therefore, it’s a perfect time to show our strength in “coolness.” Show up to your 8 a.m. in sunglasses, maybe even shorts and flip flops, all to make your classmates wonder, “how are they doing that? I can see my breath outside,” and “are they okay?” Maybe they aren’t. But showing up late to lab is a dramatic entrance, if you believe.
Care for your Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) with a Party
Round up everyone’s SAD lamps and put them out as party lights. The theme: “I Miss the Sun.” Dress in warm hues. Destigmatize mental health as you listen to early 2000s jams.
Combat Long Hours of Sitting with a Cross-Country Move
After staying-in night after night, pack up your bags for an adventure. Move to Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania with a new outlook on life.
Finally, Leave the Indoors with a Mission
Come February 2nd, emerge from your home. Make a large declaration to those who still think it’s Winter Quarter.
Be the Groundhog You Wish to See in The World
Happy Spring Quarter!