The Manure is a satire column created to find the humor in the daily life of Cal Poly students. If you’re looking for news, this is not it. If you’re looking for sports, this is kind of it, because we’re having a ball.
Malia Mundy is a journalism junior and a satire columnist for Mustang News. The opinions expressed in this article do not necessarily reflect those of Mustang Media Group.
As Valentine’s Day approaches, the young daters of Cal Poly are looking for love. Jason Schroeder, a business administration sophomore, is one of the lucky few who claimed to have found his person after years of what he said were spent chasing the wrong girls.
“She’s unlike any girl I’ve ever met, dude,” Schroeder said. “She’s blonde and laughs at everything I say.”
Georgia Davies, an honors psychology sophomore and the “totally endgame wifey” of Schroeder’s eye, was not nearly as enthusiastic about their relationship.
“Which guy are you talking about?” Davies said. “The one who looked like he just crawled out of the Delta Chi basement?”
Schroeder met Davies through a mutual friend. Schroeder is an aspiring Soundcloud rapper from the Bay Area, and Davies is on track to be an in-patient psych ward nurse and currently volunteers at the Health Center on campus. She also works the overnight shift at a nearby homeless shelter.
They connected at a party wherehe did something brave, charming and unique: asking for her Snapchat. Schroeder sent her a “WYD” text at 2 a.m. that night, to which Davies did not reply. He proceeded to send 17 additional snaps, 11 photos and six videos, trying to get her attention. She still did not reply.
After stalking her Snapmaps and “running” into Davies on campus a few days later, he asked if she wanted to come to his kickback that night with some of his bros.
“I could not let this dime piece get away,” Schroeder said. “Didn’t want her to go all Hollywood on me, you know?”
The kickback was a movie. In fact, it was a blockbuster major motion picture: seven stoned guys sitting in a circle watching Family Guy highlights titled, “Most Savage Stewie ROASTS Try Not To LAUGH (Level IMPOSSIBLE).” When Davies arrived, Schroeder asked if she wanted a “room tour.” She respectfully declined.
“How much more obvious could I be, bro?” Schroeder said. “Who cares? I will continue to pursue her. She bad.”
After another week of radio silence from Davies, Schroeder officially asked Davies out for Valentine’s Day (via Snapchat, obviously). Schroeder’s persistence paid off, and she agreed to go on a picnic date at Pirate’s Cove. When they arrived, Schroeder invited Davies to explore the backseat. Once again, she respectfully declined.
Their date lasted 41 minutes before Davies asked to be taken back home.
“She eventually ghosted me. It sucks man; she was perfect,” Schroeder said. “We connected on a level I have never felt with another girl. The conversation just flowed, and she even knew my favorite band, The Beatles!”
Davies shared a different perspective on this picture-perfect relationship.
“One cool thing about dating men when you’re in your twenties is that you get to experience motherhood,” Davies said. “He didn’t ask me a question about myself at any point. And he smelled like farts.”