Ryan Chartrand

Editor’s note: ‘The Bunion’ is fake news. Period.

SAN LUIS OBISPO, CA – Campus Officer Ted Lomax broke sweat on Monday by furiously pedaling out of his ambush spot in pursuit of freshman student Lori Prince, who was fined $1,125 for failing to walk her bike through three different walk-bike zones and resisting arrest.

Lori Prince, who rides a Schwinn with pink ribbon handlebar streamers and a pastel colored basket, was attempting to make it from the aerospace hangar to the Performing Arts Center in the meager ten minutes allotted.

“I had my iPod at full volume on Queen’s ‘Bicycle Race’ to motivate me to get to the PAC in time, so I didn’t hear it when Officer Lomax asked me to pull over with his bullhorn. I was pedaling really hard to the beat of the music, so I guess he thought I was trying to flee.”

Officer Lomax saw it differently. “She sped past me like a sex-changed Lance Armstrong on methamphetamines,” she said.

Lomax, who successfully violated his own walk-bike zone, neared Prince and prepared to tactically sideswipe her, but failed to execute the maneuver or catch the perpetrator when the suspension on his police-issue Huffy bike buckled under his own weight and swerved off course colliding with a Frisbee player on Dexter lawn. There were no casualties other than the Frisbee, which, to the chagrin of the Frisbee player, was mangled and rendered unusable in his Ultimate Frisbee by the spokes of Lomax’s bike. As he lay wounded, Lomax heroically radioed fellow officer Ben North, who was in a position to intercept Prince.

North established a network of spike strips in the way of Prince’s predicted course, every one of which failed to coincide with Prince’s actual course. Upon reaching the PAC, Prince calmly dismounted her bike with the intention of quickly locking it and entering her classroom just as class began. Instead, she was flying tackled and handcuffed by the 6′, 250-pound North. As a result, Prince missed a theatre quiz and suffered a concussion that was deemed “necessary force.”

The increased campus bike fines were originally intended to help fund Cal Poly’s agreement with SLO Transit for buses, but due to political trickery and clever sub-clauses, the money is instead legally redirected to an offshore account in the Caiman islands dedicated to purchasing jacuzzis for faculty members with tenure.

“Nobody’s safe anymore,” said concerned student Jimmy Gardner. “I used to bike to campus to spend less on gas and help the environment, but campus police are sending a clear message that they have no soul and that generating revenue through disproportionate ticketing is more important than allowing students to have moral standpoints or freedom.”

In a survey related to the incident, 77 percent of Razor Scooter riders report they fear they’re next in the crackdown on sensible transportation, and 66 percent of parents say they’re going to sell their young children’s tricycles, for fear of injury and financial liability.

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published.