September 28, 2006
San Luis Obispo- After a hearing Monday marked by filibusters and mawkish cries of concern from party-goers that stretched on for twelve 12 1/2 city tax-dollar backed hours, the San Luis Obispo City Council voted unanimously to condemn 9th year architectural engineering student Frank “The Tank” Bossman’s doghouse on the grounds that it was structurally unsound and aesthetically unpleasing.
Can-Crusher, a 3-year-old American Bulldog, is named for his ability to compact depleted aluminum cans of natural light ice between his jaws and then deliver them to the nearest recycling bin. Can-Crusher’s trick is popular at house parties with girls and environmentalists.
“Can-Crusher was stoked about movin’ in to his new place; you could totally tell because he quit poopin’ in our bedrooms. Before the doghouse, he would sleep on this musty couch in our backyard that had hecka vomit stains and broken shards of alcohol bottles jammed in-between the couch cushions, and we were concerned because that’s where party guests usually pass out,” Bossman said. “The couch was sort of vomit colored to begin with, so you couldn’t notice the stains that bad,” he added.
Can-Crusher had an afternoon appointment for flea removal and was unavailable for the interview, which deeply saddened one reporter who shall remain nameless, a reporter who swallowed his hopes and the lump in his throat, discouragedly pushing the empty beer can he had brought deeper into the black hole of his jacket pocket and thinking of how he had longed for a pet that could do tricks as a boy.
Determined to reclaim the guest couch, Bossman began meticulously drafting the plans for the doghouse while hung-over on the morning of September 23rd, 2006, and ultimately finished construction by the afternoon while still hung-over.
“The hammer was missing and the noise would have been bogus for my headache anyways, so I decided to use some Big Red cinnamon gum I was chewing on to hold the joints together. Cinnamon gum is a great hangover cure,” Bossman said.
The Doghouse, which stands anywhere from 3 feet, 3/8 inches to 4 feet, 1/3 inches depending on deflection and the displacement of the watery beer-mud foundation, has walls constructed entirely from scale-model quality Balsa wood purchased or stolen from local hobby shop, Law’s Hobbies.
Atop the walls is a roof comprised of a rusty bike tire rim balanced precariously, shingled in crinkled sheets of engineering paper with half finished homework problems and poorly taken notes written on them. Suspended from the spokes to, reportedly, add “hecka spirit to the interior d‚cor” is a pair of green and gold fuzzy dice.
When asked what he thought about the situation, the guy who usually blacked out on the vomit couch but had been run off by Can-Crusher said, “Bulldogs have huge testicles!”
City engineer Dorian Column was flabbergasted. “I couldn’t believe the doghouse even stood long enough to come the council’s scrutiny,” Column said. “It was unstable in two planes, despite an abhorrent number of redundant connections in the first. Has this kid ever been shown a simply supported beam?”
The council will be requisitioning an over-priced bulldozer and renting it for much longer than needed on Tuesday to demolish the godforsaken domicile, but Bossman and friends are currently planning to chain themselves to the structure in protest. When asked if the protest would conflict with his class schedule for the day, Frank indicated that he would probably “ditch for the cause.”