Janice Edman

So we’ve seen the articles. We’ve heard the news. We’ve opened the door to cops bearing pamphlets and hopeful smiles. We get it: The party is still over. But that doesn’t mean you have to spend this Feb. 28 actually doing homework or studying for the midterm your witch-of-a-bio-teacher scheduled for the next day. No self-respecting Cal Poly student would do that on our holiest of holidays, the very event that puts San Luis Obispo on the map (oh come on, no one really goes to the Mission). In all the parade-crashing and rioting craziness, we’ve forgotten the main goal of Mardi Gras: Good old fashioned indulgence, with a sizzling hot plate of sex on the side. So here’s how to still enjoy all the perks of Mardi Gras without ending up in the drunk tank with a felony on your record.

The literal French translation of Mardi Gras, “Fat Tuesday,” gets straight to the point. With 40 days of Lent beginning on Ash Wednesday, you should eat to your heart’s content the night before, and use it to your libido’s advantage. I recommend all those naughty foods you’ll need a real workout to burn off: Whipped cream, chocolate sauce, cherries-you get my point. You might some extra sauce during the workout also, if you catch my drift – hope you have a big appetite.

Nothing says good times like boobies and beads, especially if it’s in a crowd of 500 drunken college students. But since that breaks a couple of laws (see my column on the innate chastity of this country thanks to our Puritan forefathers), just move the antics to a closed locale. Get some beer goggles on and load up on beads – it can still be fun in the bedroom, with the door locked, some gentle music playing on the stereo and just the two of you. Okay, it might create a little more atmosphere with a crowd of roommates, but check with your girl first – she might not want to run the risk of becoming a Girl Gone Wild.

We can’t forget the colorful symbol of Mardi Gras: the mask. If your sexual relationship feels a little static, spend some hard cash at Michael’s and quality time together making creative masks in honor of the big day. Wearing the masks during sex will trick your mind into believing it really could be Heath Ledger or Jessica Alba under there (minus the wobbly bits around the hips). Okay, it won’t be the most honest lovemaking experience of your relationship, but what happens on Mardi Gras, stays on Mardi Gras (in case you happen to cry out “You’re just as good as I thought, Jessica!” during the moment of truth – you’ll be in the doghouse until July for that one).

Although we can’t go wild in public this year (or any year in the next millennium, if the town can continue coughing up the half mil for extra reinforcements), you can go even wilder behind closed doors because no one will be there to handcuff you – unless you’re into that kind of thing, that is. So let’s all work together to make this the best Mardi Gras ever – I’m looking to earn lots and lots of beads myself.

Janice Edman is an English senior and a Mustang Daily columnist.

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