Ryan Chartrand

Perhaps it is the fact we are graduating or that “Sex and the City” is officially over, but the ladies of “The Naked Truth” have decided to mix things up for the final edition of the column. We are teaming up with avid Mustang Daily reader and critic Michael Macedo to bring you our thoughts on the perfect girlfriend/boyfriend. Enjoy and thank you for reading.

THE PERFECT BOYFRIEND according to Jessica and Elizabeth

1. A perfect boyfriend wouldn’t throw a tantrum every time I talk to another guy. Just because I have friends who are guys doesn’t mean I want them.
(Michael Macedo: Lies! Women are naturally attracted to a good-looking man with a robust, hairy chest. That’s why you are with me in the first place. I’ll be damned if another man stops me from getting sexed.)

2. A perfect boyfriend would have a good sense of humor and could make me laugh at any time.
(MM: “I like to laugh and have a good time.” No shit? What else do you like to do? I was assuming my girlfriend loved being sad and miserable. If I say a joke, it’s going to be a funny joke.)

3. A perfect boyfriend would make an effort to get to know my friends. And I don’t mean hitting on them.
(MM: Hanging out with your friends is the equivalent of being bukkaked with stupid. The only viable feature your friends ever provided was the top of their heads for my viewing pleasure. And besides, I don’t flirt with uglies.)

4. A perfect boyfriend would appreciate all of the nice things I do for him, and would do spontaneous things for me without being asked.
(MM: This one really tangles my pubes. Nice things like what? I can’t read your mind. If you want something, ask.)

5. A perfect boyfriend would cook meals for me and want to do the dishes.
(MM: Sure, anything for my love. Tonight I was thinking of making a tomato basil soup, beef tenderloin with a green peppercorn sauce, and fresh mixed organic baby greens, all washed down with a vintage bottle of 1987 antifreeze. Bon appetite.)

THE PERFECT GIRLFRIEND according to Michael Macedo

1. A perfect girlfriend would never bitch to me about watching the game or “South Park,” provide me with fresh beer, and only talk during commercials.
(Jessica and Elizabeth: What it sounds like you are asking for is a well-trained dog to go fetch things for you. Unlike a dog, girlfriends are not furry, little creatures; I have a human va-jay-jay and if you want access to it, you better be fetching some things for me or I’ll put on another 20 pounds.)

2. A perfect girlfriend would initiate sex frequently or share a similar sex drive.
(J&E: Why would I always want to initiate if I’m going to have to do all the work? Get real. I’m tired of feeling like I’m jumping on a pogo stick all night.)

3. A perfect girlfriend would be smart enough to know that life doesn’t flow like a romantic comedy. Shit happens, and a real girlfriend can handle herself accordingly.
(J&E: Anyone living in the real world knows that’s true. Duh.)

4. A perfect girlfriend would be financially stable. This should be interpreted as “the guy doesn’t always pay for everything.” And shiny metal objects, other than an engagement ring, are on her dime.
(J&E: How am I supposed to support myself when I’m too busy being your servant and sex slave? And if you expect this behavior to continue, you will provide shiny metal objects regularly.)

5. A perfect girlfriend would keep “girly” things out of man space. Girly things include: tampons, extensive hair care products, make-up, shoes that could be used as weapons, and that stupid dangly thing that you shower with.
(J&E: If I’m going to keep “girly” things out of man space, I expect your “manly” behaviors – such as farting, scratching yourself and burping – to stay out of woman space. And these “girly” things you speak of come with the territory, so get used to it.)

As spring quarter comes to an end, many seem to be digging out those dusty textbooks and pulling a few all-nighters in the library. However, there is one group at Cal Poly that appears to be an exception – the single population. This time of year has become a free-for-all love fest for those without a significant other. Despite all attempts to stay single, many fall into relationships before they even realize it. So as classes come to an end, we hope you keep these qualities of the “perfect” significant other in mind before locking into that summer romance.

Jessica Ford is a journalism senior and Elizabeth Yi is an animal science senior. Guest columnist Michael Macedo is a manufacturing engineering senior. Ford and Yi are the love, sex and dating columnists and can be contacted at thenakedtruthcolumn@gmail.com.

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