Your best friend is a good person. They are funny, they are hot, they are smart. You have spent months, maybe years, telling them how much of a catch they are, motivating them to be brave with romantic prospects and offering your sympathies when it doesn’t work out.
Until one day it does.
It’ll happen, rest assured, and if it hasn’t happened yet, the day will come. Once it does, you must remain calm. This is no time for panic – it’s time for resilience and an action plan. You must reject the notion that you will never see your best friend again. You have options, don’t forget it; each with their own respective pros and cons. Read on to learn the appropriate courses of action at this juncture, so you can prepare the most effective crisis response.
The cardboard cutout approach
The cardboard cutout method is the more laissez-faire of the bunch. If one would like to avoid head-on confrontation with the matter, this option is the way to go. Best practices here include choosing a photo that appears neutral yet inviting, so that you can have conversations with the friend without feeling that you may be offending them, or speaking out of line.
With this approach, you will avoid facing the feelings of abandonment that are commonplace in this circumstance. You can continue to converse as you always would; your friend will just be a little quieter than normal.
Grief counseling route
In opposition to the cardboard cutout option is the grief counseling approach, one fitting for brave and introspective souls. The grief counseling route is most appropriate if you’d like to take it upon yourself to process this loss, to face the music; make your peace with it and move on.
It is certainly plausible that you never see your best friend again, and as such, it is perfectly reasonable to respond as though this person is dead. This may appear a little strange to other loved ones in your life, but have no illusions; the shrink will understand.
Bi-annual meeting method
If you’d like to concede to the fact of the matter, the bi-annual meeting method may be your move. This one is for the pragmatists – those who are keen on compromising and rational solutions.
This course of action is simple. Set up a Google Calendar, or Outlook, whichever calendar you have an affinity toward. Schedule a meeting between you and your best friend, and make it recurring. Every six months, while being a big ask for the taken individual, will be just enough to keep at least your acquaintanceship afloat. You can create a meeting agenda, for bonus points. Orders of business: 1) obligatory update about their relationship, 2) discussion of mutual friends and/or pop culture, 3) miscellaneous banter and jokes.
Third wheeling technique
Perhaps you can psychologically handle constantly being around your replacement. This one is difficult to reconcile for some, but it works if you don’t mind spending sustained periods of time with the ol’ ball and chain.
They can be cuddling on the couch – you’ll be there. Having dinner with the parents – you’ll be there. Watching a movie at the theater – maybe a row behind, but you’ll be there, too. You will be subjected to verbal cues and gestures indicating that you have overstayed your welcome, but you pay them no mind. You were there first, and as such, have a right to be around.
The deceitful device
For those in search of a more proactive (read: aggressive) approach to retrieving your friend, I’d put forth the option of trapping them, whether it be via siren song, taking their significant other hostage, or the practice of disguise. They might be angry at first, but in the long run, gratitude will come. Some may argue the ethical concerns raised by swindling your best friend back into your life, but there are principles to follow to ensure that everyone walks away satisfied. If you take their significant other hostage, that’s a fabulous opportunity for quality time with the new lover. If you effectively disguise yourself as their new partner, that’s one new skill acquired.
I hope, for your sake, that your best friend never finds romantic love. I hope they die alone. If you do find yourself in this position, Godspeed. You have my deepest sympathies.
If it does happen, and all else fails, my fool-proof recommendation is as follows: connive an elaborate conspiracy to break the couple up. But that one’s off the record.