Douglas B. Bruzzone and Michael Matzke

Editor’s note: “Two Classy Gents” is a humor commentary and weekly online exclusive.

It’s time for the Two Classy Gents to sit down and tackle the topic of fornication. Studies have shown that Cal Poly students fantasize about sexual encounters once every 14 seconds, while UCSB students contract a new STD once every 12 seconds. We know it’s on your mind baby, and we’re gonna give it to you good. Real good. Probably five times. Unfortunately for you, it’ll probably take about five minutes. So now, we present to you, faithful Mustang Daily reader, the five classiest locations at Cal Poly to make love.

5. First floor of the library. We understand that the fifth floor is generally considered the “party floor” of the library. However, you can’t make any noise, and the book dust is always an issue. By contrast, the first floor is hustling and bustling and there are many nooks for nookie. The Porn Room has lots of great resources ” if you can find it! Even if you can’t, copulating under the desks in the Reading Room is more than suitable. We must, however, recommend that you avoid the Dan Brown section, as it is quite popular.

4. Racquetball Courts (For Voyeurs Only!). It’s time to get out the goggles, and by goggles we mean industrial-sized condoms. We know it can get a little hot. We know it can get a little funky. And we’ve seen it get downright sexy. Give those people on the stationary bikes something to pedal towards. Just remember, don’t involve blue balls. Game, set, breeding time.

3. Travel down North Perimeter Road, and you’ll find the third classiest place to make love at Cal Poly: the University Police Department. Not only are they equipped for an alcohol violation, but their pepper spray provides a festive garnish for a full plate of procreation. Feel free to use a pair of handcuffs in whatever way you see fit. We’ve seen many a parking ticket, but we’ve never seen a lovemaking ticket.

2. Back of Joe McNeil’s 1994 Toyota Camry. It’s white, has a dent on the right-hand side near the gas tank and the license plate begins with AS5. The car is usually illegally-parked across three spaces in the faculty parking lot. The only problem is that he doesn’t throw away any of his fast-food trash, so his car does smell like a Filet-O-Fish sandwich. But don’t worry about Joe getting pissed – we asked him yesterday and he was totally cool with it.

1. Waffle Station at VG’s. Bow chicka bow-wow!!!

Now that you have this knowledge, explore the campus and continue your legacy of being a huge slut/manslut. Just remember, be classy about it and drink lots and lots of pineapple juice.

Classy: Puttin’ on some Brian McKnight and gettin’ down wit’ it. ALL NIGHT LONG.

Uncouth: Putting on Nickelback and crying yourself to sleep.

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