Janice Edman

            As that oh-so-romantic time of year fast approaches, guys and girls alike rack their brains to find the most amorous way to spend Valentine’s.  But whereas SLO is popular with the older crowd thanks to its quaint charm and lack of gang violence (except during Mardi Gras of course), our little hamlet isn’t exactly the red light district of Amsterdam when it comes to ways to get down.  But never fear, because I have already done all the necessary detective work (and boy are my arms tired) to showcase the most incredible ways to enjoy oneself on Valentine’s here in SLO and the surrounding areas.

            Sexy Step 1: Start the day off right with a hot cup of coffee, a glance over the paper, and a trip to Diamond Adult World.  Don’t let the “I-Know-All-You-Do” smile of the clerk or the loud sounds of simulated sex coming from the little booths scare you off.  Revel in the cheesy sexiness of it all, and strike up conversation with fellow shoppers about the best porn you’ve ever watched.  They’ll appreciate your friendliness and you might even score a number from the big guy looking at the golden shower magazine.  Pick up some flavored condoms, a raunchy DVD, and some coconut lube to be well prepared for the evening.

            Sexy Step 2: Stop by Bladerunner Day Spa for a full body wax (be sure to allow plenty of time for this).  And don’t worry about the “40 Year Old Virgin” scene ” usually there isn’t that much blood.  A few Advil and a flask of vodka will make the process a little easier also ” just a tip from me to you.

            Sexy Step 3:  Sit in on a bio lecture for a few minutes.  The professor will probably just ramble on about Krebs cycles or whatever, but you can probably borrow someone’s textbook to read about cellular reproduction.  Those guys are insatiable ” do you know how many cells there are??

            Sexy Step 4:  Hang around the fifth floor of the library wearing nothing but a trench coat and a sly grin.  Odds are someone else will wander up there in hopes of a naughty tryst just outside the view of the ever watchful librarians.  But be sure to use the flavored condoms ” people who have sex in the library are usually people who spend a lot of time in the library, and you know they get all kinds of freaky action.

            Sexy Step 5:  As night approaches, prepare a feast of oysters, chocolate fondue and some Spanish fly (because that other stuff never gets anyone in the mood anyway).  Copious amounts of alcohol will also help set the scene for some bumpy loving where no one ends up finishing.  The DVD will hopefully fix that problem ” a little good old-fashioned visual stimulation to trigger the gun.

            Sexy Step 6:  Drive to that secluded, notoriously sexy section of Avila where clothing is optional.  Although the temperature drops down to the mid 40s at night, and with the fog visibility will be limited, you’ll be on the beach!  Without any clothes on!  But stay out of the water ” you don’t want a “Jaws” rerun on your hands (remember, the girl is swimming naked at night and gets eaten by a shark ” if you haven’t seen it, rent it instead of going to the beach.  It’s pretty sexy for a shark movie and warmer than Avila will be.)

            What a super-wild and very sexy Valentine’s this will be!  Follow each step carefully and I guarantee some very good times ” or an overdue balance at Diamond Adult World, instant ejection from the library, very bare nether regions and some serious shrinkage.  In any event, it ought to be a lot of fun. 

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