Ryan Chartrand

Ever since I broke up with my previous girlfriend (a horrid bitch, for all you fans out there), my life has been wrought with pornography and peeping-tomfoolery. Needless to say, my life isn’t much different than when I was bound by the chains of monogamy, but now (as a single man) I have to pounce on opportunity when I can.

I consider most dating/pickup advice boring (unless it comes from me), but I have taken it upon myself to utilize methods I found in the Daily on my quest.

I am an avid Daily reader and I decided to integrate said methods from “The Naked Truth” and “Love it/Loathe it” columns, as well as incorporate a few other thoughts from various commentaries into my new “gaming” style.

My results have been dismal at best (but only when I stray away from my own methods, of course). Granted, a few “make-out and peace-outs” have been accomplished, but I am still unsatisfied with the results.

The bar scene is never as good as I hope it to be. But still, my roving squadron of BDSM enthusiasts (aka my trusty wingmen) and I frequent the fine boozatoriums of San Luis Obispo more often than not when nothing else emerges to tickle our fancy. But now I have recently discovered a new frontier – which I will call “cyber hunting” – thanks to the Internet.

My latest adventure led me to the ninth circle of hell that is the Craigslist personal ads. I decided to make my own Craigslist personal ad and see what developed. This was not a missed connection, mind you, but a w4m casual encounter ad. I shit you not, my loyal readers, this posting was flagged and removed not more than 31 minutes after initial posting. Read it for yourself and maybe you can help me understand what went wrong: “Single white male (with moderate drinking problem) spends most of his days stuck in the asylum that is Cal Poly. I am seeking an adventurous, beautiful, sharp-tongued girl with daddy issues and possible misplaced sense of self-worth to revel in the joys of fornications. Tattoos, piercings, and love for intravenous drugs is OK. Just please be disease-free, as am I.

“My idea of a dazzling night will start with us eating a delicious meal (preferably under $20) followed by us getting blacked-out drunk at one of the fine alcohol establishments downtown. NOT Downtown Brew, though; that is straight-up a phallus palace, for I need to make passes at other women to make you jealous. I will allow you to flirt mildly with frat boys, bartenders and other patrons as well, just so much as that activity lies in between sessions of slamming Long Island Iced Teas and arguing with each other.

“Making a scene is half the fun. After hitting the bars, we will book it back to my house to engage ourselves in a sex marathon lasting until the early hours of the morning (no position or style is taboo).

“Please do not reply if you’re looking for a friend. Would consider sexing you up if you were older and would agree to be my sugar momma, but you will be buying the booze. Wake up the next morning with no regrets. Pic 4 pic.”

My guess is as good as yours as to why this post was removed so quickly. Therefore, I’m going back to my old methods. And if I decide not to go out on any particular night, I plan on dusting a 12-pack and a couple of Valiums and watching a cool movie.

And to the ladies of “The Naked Truth” and “Love it/Loathe it” columns: if you are ever downtown and want to exchange some drinks, I will offer an open lane to merge onto the threeway freeway (strictly for literary research, of course).

Michael Macedo is a manufacturing engineering senior and a guest columnist for the Mustang Daily.

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *