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This column does not reflect the editorial coverage or opinions of Mustang News.
Everyone has music they love. Everyone also has music they hate. Personally, I hate it all.
In this occasional editorial, I’ll select a genre of music I hate (spoiler alert: it’s all of them) and explain why it’s so bad.
What sucks now:
Christmas music. It’s amazing that each year we decide Christmas songs are the best things since sliced bread.
How are we, as a marginally intelligent civilization, not yet tired of these tunes? I’ve been around for 22 Christmases, remembered 18 of them and been cynical for seven. Thanks to those seven Decembers, I’ve developed a massive hatred for Christmas music. I’m on the lower end of the Intelligence Quotient spectrum, and even my alcohol-infused mind is tired of it.
What has always sucked:
Sure, the first time you hear “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” or “Frosty the Snowman,” it’s great. Even I can admit that.
But man, why does every musical artist who feels the need to try and stay relevant (or is too lazy to write their own stuff) need to make their own version of one of those songs?
One: Most of the new versions blow.
Two: Why is it necessary? The perpetuation of mediocre novelty songs epitomizes laziness and will eventually cause the downfall of mankind. No, I’m not exaggerating. The fact that Christmas songs will likely live on for the remainder of my time on Earth makes me want to go full-Salinger and live in the wilderness of Montana or something.
What is new-ish that sucks:
Justin Bieber has a Christmas album. So does Taylor Swift. They’re arguably the two worst people in the musical world, and what do they both have in common? Christmas albums. Coincidence? No.
What might not suck:
The original versions of some of these songs are good. I can admit that. There are also a few artists who are made to sing them. Barbra Streisand’s rendition of “Jingle Bells” is pretty great. Michael Buble is a damn genius for his Christmas album — he released it in 2011 and each year it’s in the top five for December sales. The dude is loaded.
Then there’s Adam Sandler. I really want to hate him for the download spiral of shit he’s put in theaters over the past eight years, but “Hanukkah Song” is great. It’s up there with Happy Gilmore and the Waterboy — classic Sandler. Also, yeah, I’m aware it’s not technically a Christmas song, but just go with it and enjoy the listing of popular Jewish people.
Also, if you want to hear the best Christmas song ever, listen to “Dominic the Donkey.” You’re welcome.
Have a great holiday season, and please, don’t listen to this crap.