Ryan Chartrand

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. It is a holiday about love, but the problem with the holiday is that so many people in this world totally hate it. For some, it is extreme bitterness about the whole thing; to others it is just a day where you have to tell someone how much you care about him or her.

As a guy though, I have a different problem, which many men share with me. That of course, is what the hell are we supposed to actually do? Don’t worry though, guys, because in this “Guide to Life” I’m going to walk you through one of the easiest ways to really tell your girl1 how much you care. Poetry, like really nothing else, can show a girl that you really put a lot of thought into a gift for her, while A) it is cheap2 and B) you can make it as personalized as possible.

Before we really dive in here, let me just say that the new gift feature on facebook is no viable way to really show someone you care, so don’t think you can get off that easily3.

The first type of poem is the classic “Roses are red, violets are blue” style. This one can work wonders as you will be able to tell your special someone4 exactly how you feel, in one of the tamest ways there is. Really though, the possibilities that you have for this one are endless. Go with something romantic like:

Roses are red, violets are blue, talking to you for hours and hours and hours about absolutely nothing even though I have a midterm tomorrow and will probably fail because of this conversation, is as refreshing as the morning dew. Straight and to the point.

You can also do something like, Roses are reds, violets are blue, seriously I didn’t pay for your dinner for you to eat just a single bite and not even take the rest home, but I still love you. Now I know that I might look like “Mr. Tough Guy” in my picture, but look, I still have a softer, gentler side5.

Now we move on to the next type of poem, which is the haiku. Traditionally, the haiku consists of five syllables, seven syllables, and then five syllables for each line. If you can pull one of these off, your valentine should be all over you6. Obviously, these ones are a little more restricting, but you can still get your point across. How about something like:

Your hair so pretty,

You don’t need five hours for prep,

Some things can’t be fixed.

See what I did there? I gave a compliment, and then followed it up with even more constructive criticism. Everyone wins with haikus like that. Here is another for the sake of really making sure you get these:

“You don’t need makeup, you are so pretty as is, truthfully we’re just going to a movie and nobody will be able to see what you look like so what do I care?”

Oops, OK, so I broke the rule of the Haiku, but you get the idea. I believe that you can pull it off.

The last kind I’ll share with you is the limerick. If you don’t know what these are, you’re not alone, because honestly it was my buddy Yoav7 who reminded me of the beauty that these poems possess. Anyway, “There once was a man from Nantucket” might be the most well-known, and if you don’t know that one, Google it, and in the meantime I’ll just jump into my own for you. Something like.

There is no girl that is better than you, on a scale of one to ten you are a thousand and two, you just are so funny, worth more than any amount of money, now please cook or I’ll find someone new.

If that doesn’t get your guy or girl to swoon over you, nothing will.

Well, unfortunately that brings me to the end of another one of my “Guides to Life” and like always, I hope you learned something. Between the classic poem, the haiku, and the limerick, you should be well on your way to a successful Valentine’s Day. And hey, if you still don’t care about all this Valentines Day stuff, just, I don’t know, drink your sorrows away. Everybody wins. Love and peace and no need to thank me later for how great your day will be.

1 Or “Bitch.” “Mike’s Guide to Life: Mike’s checklist for new relationships.” Mustang Daily, Jan. 23, 2007.
2 Just looking out for all you fellow Jews.
3 Even though nothing says “Valentine’s Day” like picture of a naked toy troll.
4 Or “Bitch” to keep things consistent.
5 Not that soft though, so still watch out when you see me on the streets.
6 Or you can at least keep your fingers crossed like I will be.
7 Yes, that is his real name; and yes Microsoft Word’s spell checker almost exploded from that name in text.

Mike Heimowitz is a journalism senior and Mustang Daily humor columnist. Without a rhyme, a dime or time, you can sign onto the fine mikeheimowitz.com.

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