A long-distance relationship: a classic predicament that a healthy share of college students endure. Do we adopt a relationship that breathes off of how much we can FaceTime or text and try to take advantage of that one free weekend each quarter? Do we throw in the towel and try to save ourselves before distance destroys any amount of love we share? Or, do we give it our best shot and hope we will make it out the other end with minimal damage? 

These were all questions I asked myself when my partner and I went off to college and the distance between us went from 10 miles to 1,000 miles. While I can confidently say that long distance has been a miraculous success for us, I don’t feel that long-distance relationships are for everyone. Granted, I am no “relationship expert,” but I do believe that what you can learn from a long-distance relationship is universal — “success” or not. 

Straying away from codependency

Codependency can be one of the most detrimental things to any kind of relationship. Slowly, your reliance on your partner can debilitate your ability to be your own individual person. You can become glued to your phone, constantly texting, wondering and overthinking. A long-distance relationship can create an environment to stray away from codependency:

  • You can seek support and validation in other areas of your life. 
  • Your limited time together can be that much more meaningful when you are not attached at the hip (or the phone in this instance), all day long. 
  • Practicing independence can help you build deeper trust with one another.
  • Learning personal awareness of how to best support your partner, as well as the moments to lean on them for help and support. 
  • Healthy prioritization: being fully attentive and focused when you’re catching up at the end of the day or setting aside intentional time for each other.

My partner and I admire each other for how we have built our own little worlds apart, for the communities and accomplishments we have engrossed ourselves in. Being each other’s number one cheerleader has been that much more special when giving each other the space to be busy, get involved and experience college. 

Relationship COMS 101

Communication, communication, communication:  A crucial skill and practice in any relationship, whether romantic, friendly or familial. Communicating effectively is hard enough without having to consider all your nuanced emotions and feelings that accompany you in a romantic connection. Distance adds another layer, as you go from in-person conversations to a text with an undetectable tone. Here are my two cents after learning how to communicate differently after transitioning to long-distance:

  • Long distance doesn’t force you to face conflict head on, we have to choose to prioritize conflict resolution instead of letting a problem simmer and get worse.
  • You have to put a little extra thought into new ways to connect with your partner. 
  • Take the time to learn ways in which your partner will feel most seen and understood.
  • Talk to your partner about the best ways to give them reassurance and comfortability, you don’t “assume” what your partner wants, just ask them! 

The gratitude I feel for the way that my partner understands me, is indescribable. I attribute so much of his understanding to the way we have learned to communicate with each other so intentionally these past couple years. 

A new perspective on patience

Having patience is often easier said than done, especially since distance creates an automatic need for increased patience and understanding in a relationship. Waiting until your partner is available to chat with them, waiting until they’ve returned home from a night out with friends, and having to wait to see them for weeks, and months at a time, all the while making them wait for you, just as much as you wait for them. Patience can be hard at times, but throwing yourself into a situation where adopting a level of understanding is necessary for the success of your relationship.

  • Whether you’re near or far, life isn’t perfect: and it’s important to choose to give yourself and your partner grace for a busy day, week or even month.
  • Choosing understanding is much more enjoyable than the constant feeling of impatience or overthinking. 
  • You find in the hardest of moments, taking the time to understand creates a strong foundation of gratitude. 

I have found that even in moments where we miss each other a little extra, patience is what centers me, and understanding is what reminds me that even when things are hard, my partner, and the love we share, is worth the hard moments, and worth the wait. 

My personal long distance theory

My partner and I have been together for four-and-a-half years, two-and-a-half of which have been long-distance, and an end to long-distance not yet in sight. Spending the majority of our time a flight away from each other isn’t the most ideal scenario, but goodness, have we learned a lot:

  • Long-distance practices have been crucial in the success of our relationship, no matter how close or far. 
  • Long-distance habits have made me a better person in all my relationships with friends and family too. 
  • I don’t believe long distance is for everyone.
  • What relationship styles and dynamics work best for you, is a journey for you and you alone. 
  • While our personalities and nature have helped us approach long distance, the things we have learned along the way have sustained us. 

So while a long-distance relationship has worked quite well for my partner and I, I don’t necessarily “suggest” long-distance, but rather I encourage you to consider it like any relationship, as a learning opportunity. Whether or not your heart grows fonder in absence is up to you to find out, but if anything, I can assure you that absence helps you grow.