Douglas B. Bruzzone and Michael Matzke

In celebration of “Designer Drug History Month,” each week we will cover the hippest drug to snort, shoot or put in your butt. We’ll start off the extravaganza with cocaine, more commonly referred to as “The Best Way To Meet Kate Moss.”

But wait! Safety first! Let’s not be Dangerous Daniels here, faithful Mustang Daily reader. For this all-out, no-holds-barred, stabbing-your-girlfriend-to-death-in-the-Chelsea-Hotel bag of druggie fun, here are some guidelines to abide by:

The more you know …

Get to know your drug dealer. What’s his favorite color? How much money does he have on his person at any given time? What tattoos did he get in prison? Once you build strong inter-druggie relationships, you’ll be able to identify which batch is loaded with fiberglass and which is loaded with tasty, tasty goodness.

Do not become famous

We cannot stress this strongly enough. The paparazzi track your every move, and you will surely succumb to the pressures of fame. Then, once you’re famous, you will die. Remember: fame = fatality. If you still don’t believe us, see Wikipedia entries for: John Belushi, Jim Morrison, Chris Farley and, hopefully soon, Kevin Federline.

Wait to go swimming for at least 30 minutes

You may think this is an old wives’ tale, but TCG is telling you straight up: It’s not. Also, avoid playing with the safety devices near the pool. Those are designed for the lifeguards that never work there.

The desert is awesome!

Deserts are hot, boring and lifeless. But with a bag of Fritos and a fresh bag of snow, you are now on your way to a week of fun. If no desert is readily accessible, there’s surely some dried-out lakebeds in your vicinity. And, if you live in San Luis Obispo, drive 30 minutes north. Two words: A-Town!

If you run for president, just lie about it

Facts are stupid. Everyone has their price, and as long as you’re not doing it in a very public vicinity, it’s easy to make sure no one will ever remember this occasion. If you spent all your money on coke, that’s OK. Make the people who are watching you close their eyes. Then, it never happened!

Don’t die

Pretty much everything you see is going to be imaginary. Don’t freak out, and don’t pet the winged horse you think you see. It’s really a radiator. If life is stressing you out, wash your face with warm water, or even listen to some Coldplay to fall asleep quickly.

Wait, we’re just kidding about our recommendation of cocaine

We meant opium. Consult your local 19th Century Chinese magistrate.

Well, that about wraps things up for cocaine. Here’s a preview of next week’s edition of TCG, a binge/tribute to crystal meth, in honor of “Designer Drug History Month.”

Pg. 56 – “On the other side of the room, my journal magically morphs into a copy of ‘The Babysitter’s Club.’ We sit down, and relate the girl’s personal experiences to our own lives to the tune of graham crackers and hot cocoa.”

Classy: Michael Bay, for winning this year’s Oscar for Best Director. Wait, he’s not even nominated for “The Island”? But, it’s awesome! Well then, Bay wins the TCG award for Best Director. Stupid Oscar.

Uncouth: Oscar. Who even wants a naked man covered in gold anyways?

Mike Matzke and Doug Bruzzone are Two Classy Gents and Mustang Daily columnists. The opinions expressed in Two Classy Gents are not those of the Mustang Daily, neither are they to be taken seriously.

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