Author Archives: Douglas B. Bruzzone and Michael Matzke

Douglas B. Bruzzone and Michael Matzke Well, faithful Mustang Daily readers, our glorious run has come to an end. We’ve had a lot of laughs, but more importantly, we’ve all learned something. For one thing, calling out the UFC champion? Bad idea. But we don’t take it back. With that said, we’ve received a lot […]

Douglas B. Bruzzone and Michael Matzke Dear Faithful Mustang Daily Reader, You wouldn’t believe everything that’s happened to us lately. We haven’t spoken in oh, so long, and we feel like we’ve lost touch with each other. The drunken text messages went a little overboard (NO, YOU GO F– YOURSELF!), but hey, that’s what love […]

Douglas B. Bruzzone and Michael Matzke Last week, “magician” David Blaine performed a stunt that required him to stay in an aquarium for over a week and then attempted to hold his breath longer than any other human in history at the end of his act. Bravo, David. Now, let’s see some actual magic. We […]

Douglas B. Bruzzone and Michael Matzke The Two Classy Gents had a rough week. First of all, someone gave us a fashion memo that said wearing Birkenstocks with socks apparently isn’t cool, causing us to discard our entire wardrobe. Then we heard that burning Styrofoam depletes the ozone layer, so we had to put out […]

Douglas B. Bruzzone and Michael Matzke The Rumor Patrol would like to say one thing: this is definitely not a rumor. The Rumor Patrol definitely had sex with Nicky Hilton. We were there; we saw it. Well, we saw most of it. It was dark and we were occasionally blindfolded. It wasn’t so much that […]

Douglas B. Bruzzone and Michael Matzke Have you noticed that the pungent stench of nature is a little stronger today than it was yesterday? That’s because today is Arbor Day, a filthy holiday celebrated by filthy people. Traditionally, an Arbor Day celebration consists of planting a tree in any location or for art majors, planting […]

Douglas B. Bruzzone and Michael Matzke As you may or may not be aware, faithful Mustang Daily reader, the Two Classy Gents often get a chance to sample cinema’s finer pleasures weeks or even months before they come out. Perhaps you are asking, “Who are you to compare the two best movies of the year? […]

Douglas B. Bruzzone and Michael Matzke When did that happen? 1995? Are you serious? Oh, you’re dead serious? Is that a pun? Alright Mr. Funny Guy, stop joking around. It’s really not funny anymore. You’re talking about our hero here. We don’t make Jesus jokes to your face. OK, that one time. But we didn’t […]

Douglas B. Bruzzone and Michael Matzke Every Tuesday, we used to open up the Mustang Daily trembling with anticipation. Just like a Golden Ticket, there lies Jack Ingram’s wonderful “Soapbox Diaries.” We’ve read the Diary of Anne Frank, and this is a much better diary. We’d get all excited and call our mothers, making sure […]

Douglas B. Bruzzone and Michael Matzke N ote to faithful Mustang Daily reader: We at the Mustang Daily office recently unearthed this article about the Two “Classy” Gents, the Honorable Douglas B. Bruzzone and Michael Matzke, M.D. Consequently, we are reviewing their qualifications as columnists. -The Associated Press, March 4, 2003A mysterious report which came […]