Lauren Rabaino

First, thanks for picking up a copy of my new book.

Congratulations! You’ve finally started using Facebook more than MySpace. Or perhaps you just started your own Facebook account. Whatever, I don’t really care. However, with new features and applications, people with too much time on their hands can now whore out their Facebook profile to the extent that it takes upwards of two hours to scroll down to their wall. Well, I’m here to drill some iEtiquette into your thick skulls. Here’s a brief outline of the chapters this book features:

Chapter 1 – Too Close For Poking, Switching To Crap: The moment you poke a friend for attention, your friendship is now beyond repair. Seriously, if you’re friendship is so down-the-tubes that you can’t even post on their wall, just give it up. In the meantime, I’ll just be ignoring your pokes. Don’t get me started on the Superpoke application. Can we make a separate Internet solely for people who are Superpoke and AOL users?

Chapter 2 – Neither Pirate nor Ninja: Nobody wants to join your Pirates vs. Ninjas, Vampires vs. Werewolves junk. Stop inviting me to these meaningless competitions and go watch your bit-torrented episodes of Battlestar Galactica and/or Firefly.

Chapter 3 – My Toppest Friends: You must be masochistic if you left MySpace just to put Top Friends on Facebook. Seriously, I remember back in high school when MySpace was all the rage and entire relationships were broken up due to a Top Friends dispute. Those poor girls had to find an entirely new member of the football team to spend the night with. A real Greek tragedy.

Chapter 4 – A Profile Picture is Worth, Well, At Least 47 Words, I Guess: Is alcohol visible in your profile picture? Do I need to tell you what this implies? Also, if I’m Facebook stalking, how am I supposed to know which one is you if there are multiple people in your profile picture? If you simply must have others in your profile picture, at least make sure the others are less attractive than you are. Also, if you took your own Facebook profile picture, it implies you have no social life. No, binge drinking does not count as a social life. Being social means carrying on cohesive conversation.

Chapter 5 – Conclusion: Is there hope for MyFace, dah, I mean Facebook? Probably not. Isn’t it funny when the chapter summary is the actual chapter? Yeah, that’s great.

Once again, thanks for purchasing my book. My other internet guides include “Why Do You Use Friendster?” and “Everyone Else In Lecture Got Blackboard To Work, So What’s Your Problem?”

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