Madeline Kuhns is a journalism senior and Mustang News opinion columnist. The opinions expressed in this article do not necessarily reflect those of Mustang Media Group.
If I could write a letter to freshman year Madeline and tell her the excitement, heartbreak and surprises of her college dating life, I think her jaw would plummet to the ground.
I wouldn’t want her to change anything, and I have few regrets. However, I wish I could warn her about some of the hardships she would face and remind her not to take certain people and experiences for granted.
I don’t consider myself more qualified than any other senior in college to be giving advice on love, but I can say that I’ve learned some extremely valuable lessons from my romantic life at Cal Poly. I’ve matured much since freshman year, so here are some takeaways on love I would advise anyone to follow:
- Take pillow talk lightly.
Classic pillow talk, taking advantage of you when you’re vulnerable. I have learned it’s very important to take pillow talk with a grain of salt, because people (especially men) say a lot of things they don’t mean when lying in bed with you.
In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to confuse intimacy with love. Our generation sometimes overlooks the intimacy of sex, and we tend to be more open when we’re … well, naked. To be clear, I do think many truthful statements are made in intimate moments, but you just have to be careful about which ones you believe or not.
If these serious, heartfelt statements only come out after sex, you should take them lightly.
- Prioritize personality over looks in a serious relationship.
If you are in a rut romantically, think about the people you love spending the most time with. Not every romance explodes with a burning spark. It can be a friends-to-lovers trope or a slow burn trope. Sure, your situationship that’s exactly your type may be giving you a couple of hours of fun on the weekend, but there’s also a possibility you could have great, long-lasting chemistry with a mutual friend or a coworker.
- Become friends with the huzz first.
It’s much easier to truly get to know someone when the relationship is devoid of sexual tension and flirtation. If a relationship is something you’re looking for, I’ve found that flirtation and the pressure to impress can get in the way of showing your true self.
My advice for underclassmen is to take your time. I used to be the person who fantasized about a future with someone I had only been on two dates with. Don’t try to foresee a future until you really get to know someone. You’ll find out if they’re worth keeping around.
- Forgive, but don’t forget
Forgiveness is important. Give people second chances, but don’t go back to people who have treated you poorly and show no growth.
Oh no, the snake bit me again? How did this happen? Babe, let’s stop giving second chances to people who don’t deserve them.
I think people have the capacity to change a lot throughout the four years of college. We learn more about ourselves, and time can be a vital aid in repairing a relationship. If someone is open to communicating and offering a sincere apology, I think it’s fair to meet them halfway. However, if you continue to give chance after chance to someone who has caused you more harm than good, you’re going to get hurt.
- Explore different levels of relationships.
Not every relationship you have will be treated seriously. That’s probably for the better. As I’ve mentioned in my previous article about sexuality, college is a great time to experiment. The downside of this is that other people may also be in the mindset of hooking up and experimenting when you actually do want something serious.
Not every hook-up is going to be one you’ll look fondly on as you grow, and that’s okay. The important part is that you have fun and stay on good terms with people when you can.
- Learn to accept rejection and move on.
I have dealt with my fair share of unrequited love. It’s not fun. But the most painful thing you can do to yourself is continue to long for someone who doesn’t feel the same about you.
Yearning is powerful, but if you’re not careful, it can take up a lot of space in your head. Even if someone once wanted you, it’s important to give them the space to change their mind. You’d want the same for yourself if you realized you weren’t meant to be with someone.
- You are someone’s dream person. Don’t give up hope on finding love
I hear a lot of negative self-talk from friends when things don’t work out in a relationship. Getting down on yourself and self-criticizing isn’t what you need when you’re going through heartbreak. Give yourself grace, let yourself grieve the relationship and remind yourself that people love you for all the right reasons.
When I left to study abroad, I got ghosted by a guy I started seeing the summer before. I was hurt because I thought he was the one I would finally make things official with. What I didn’t realize was that I had a whole new country of people to meet during my time overseas. Plus, I had a fruitful year of love interests when I returned to Poly. As they say, there are many fish in the sea, and you might just swim past your soulmate.
If you’ve read this far into the article, you’ll likely make fewer mistakes than I did throughout my time in college. Or maybe you’re feeling every word and getting ready to comment, “so relatable!” Either way, the most important thing to remember is that there is no right way to love, date and figure out who and what you want. But through heartbreak, first loves and that one-night-stand from Thursday night, you’ll learn what’s best for you.
