Editor's Note
The Manure is Mustang News’ satire content. JDAWG SAYS is a satirical advice column written by a staff member in Mustang News. This content is intended to be satirical and does not necessarily represent the views of Mustang News.
Hi, new students! Hope you’re enjoying your first quarter at Cal Poly — San Luis Obispo of course, not Pomona or the other one. Now, whether you were chosen to brave the Red Bricks or live in the four-star yakʔitʸutʸu hotels, you are going to have to fill your dorm with items to show your personality and style.
If your personality is lacking, you may be looking for a room refresh now that we are in the thick of fall quarter. Read below and really absorb this content.
Matcha Set
Buying matcha from Scout is one thing, but making your own drinks in the dorm is next level performative. This is the best way to show your new roommates and new friends that you are cultured and affluent enough to brave the shortage.
Clairo or Marías Vinyl
Same as above, you have to prove to your new friends that you are actually different by putting these albums on your wall, even if you don’t have record player.
Taylor Swift Merch
If you are not different, bring all your merch from the Swift-verse (Taylor, Sabrina, Gracie) to wear to class with gleaming pride. Trust me, no one in your 8 a.m. will care if you’re humming “Paper Rings” or the The Summer I Turned Pretty soundtrack all morning.
Blue Jeans
Whether you are feelin’ eugenics like Sydney Sweeney and American Eagle or you are failing at learning the KATSEYE Gap dance, denim will be all the rage this fall.
Labubu
You probably expected this to be on this list — these little freak dolls have taken over belt loops and purse straps. Don’t listen to the haters who think these are corny or contributing to the overconsumption crisis.
SloDoCo Labubu Donut
If you can’t convince your dad to buy you a Labubu, this donut could be a good alternative. But, be warned, the shelf life of a donut is not nearly as long as the plastic real thing —basically a millennium.
Stockpile of vapes
For any out-of-state vaper, flavored vapes are hard to come by in California. Come prepared with an assortment of fruity flavors, or else you’ll never be cool at a party.
Moonbeam Ice Cream
To beat SLO’s fall heat, nothing hits better than a Bensoon Boone back flip double waffle cone. But who knows, by the time this runs in print, this could be as old news as access to abortion or gay rights.
Halloweekend Costumes
Since we are on the quarter system, Halloweekend sneaks up on us quickly. Make sure you have the Shein app downloaded to get the perfect costume that six other girls will be wearing.
Green Clothing
Just for that special day in March.
