Ryan Chartrand

While looking towards my rapidly approaching graduation date (I will complete degree number three from Cal Poly in June), it came to me that I really have learned so much while attending classes here.

And yet, the most valuable knowledge did not come from a textbook or even a PowerPoint presentation. It is this knowledge that I would like to, as an aspiring teacher, now impart to you one word at a time.

This week I will explore with you a term no college student can live without: “douchebag.”

Let us begin with a basic definition. A douchebag is a male who tries just a little too hard. But it is not so much his over the top attempt to be “the shit” that makes him douchey as his belief that he actually is “the shit,” when we all know he, well. isn’t. There are two basic types: Preppy (as in popped collar) and Bro (as in uses the term “bro”). Occasionally, people confuse this type of male with certain other male species, including tools and assholes, so to resolve any lingering vagueness, I would like to add some classic douchebag signs to my definition (girls, I hope you are taking notes).

1. Place of California origin advertised across his chest (i.e. Nor Cal, So Cal, or Cen Cal)

2. Sunglasses at night (especially aviators)

3. Obnoxiously loud plaid shorts and/or hat

4. Top of pants/shorts greater than or equal to three inches away from top of underwear (a.k.a. intense sagging)

5. Backwards hat with brim barely over the top of the eyebrows (bonus points if there is also a sticker on this brim)

6. Too many flashy accessories

7. Surrounded by an entourage of other, even bigger douchebags

8. Goes to work smelling like Natty (bonus points if it’s his first day)

9. Persistently educates people on topics he mistakenly thinks he knows more about than they do (i.e. informing Avila lifeguards about shark attacks)

10. Tank tops with arm holes that go down past the top of shorts

11. Advertisement of the exact dollar amount spent on alcohol for his last house party

12. The urge to remove his shirt while in a room full of people who remain fully clothed

13. Abundant amount of yelling at sports officials (bonus points if he’s been thrown out of a game)

14. Complaints about unfair compensation for a volunteer job

15. Abercrombie/Hollister/etc. (because those collars are always popped)*

Of course, not everyone every sign indicates a douchebag every time. But, they add up. So if you, or that guy giving you the “Let’s go to the Library (and I’m not talking about Kennedy)” look, are flaunting multiple douchebag signs, you might want to think twice.

*While most signs are not douchebag guarantees, a multiple popped collar ensemble is a clear, definite, indication of douchebageness.

Marci is a public policy graduate student and the Mustang Daily’s new humor column. “Marci’s Word of the Week” will run in this section on Fridays and will explore some of the more important venacular of college life.

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