Brendan Pringle is an English sophomore and a Mustang Daily political columnist.

Since President Obama’s masterful speech writer was unavailable, I have taken the liberty of extending his message to all the pending graduates of Cal Poly State University who are about to begin one of the most perilous journeys of their lives: finding a job.

I’ll do my best to translate his notoriously elevated rhetoric to the Class of 2010:
Congratulations. I encourage you all to reflect on the many generations of Americans who graduated during times of common sense and fiscally responsible leadership. When they graduated from high school or college, these lucky ones did not have to worry about the impending crisis of America’s skyrocketing national debt. They did not have to worry about record-high unemployment rates. And they did not have to worry about the deterioration of America’s national defense program.

Sometimes it is difficult for us to believe the world once viewed us as a force to be reckoned with — a model example of freedom and sound, free market capitalism. Who would ever guess my goals were so unrealistic that even French President Sarkozy would mock them as impractical (Telegraph)?

But don’t fret — I have apologized for our greatness, and have made sure that the rest of the world knows we are truly sorry in my last world tour of apology (White House).

In this decade, we have seen millions participate in peaceful protests against those who seek to redistribute their income. Don’t listen to these tea-baggers. Just because they are more educated (37 percent are college graduates) and more refined than most protesters doesn’t mean you should listen to them (CBS News). When you watch the news or read it online, the voices of truth and reason sometimes squeeze through liberal censorship or make their way onto (dare I say it) FOXNews.

Don’t believe them. I will make sure the federal government takes care of all your needs at the expense of all those upper class crooks that could potentially give you a job.

Also, no matter how hard you work, there’s always the chance that you might run into one of those pesky diversity requirements — a stubborn remnant of President Johnson’s affirmative action policy. Or you may discover the threat of illegal immigrants displacing jobs. There are even some evil employers who can’t afford to hire you because they would have to cover your health insurance (CFO). But no worries — I’m sure everything will work out for you eventually.

Throughout the years, Americans your age could have rejected big government and realized that true prosperity comes from hard work and individual effort. They could have fought the numerous Wall Street bailouts of previous administrations, and said no to widespread government handouts. Heck, they could have even voted for politicians who believed in the will of the American people.

But they didn’t.

No matter how you choose to spend the rest of your life, you have the power to change the course of the American story. When I left for Chicago after graduation to become a community organizer, I had no idea that I could have such a prosperous career in breaking the banks and galvanizing the current recession (US News & World Report). Never did I think I would be given the power to truly “spread the wealth around” as the leader of this nation.

I also want to assure each of you that you have the right to take your diploma and seek the most expedient course to a six-figure salary. But please remember, in a few years, you will be taxed up to your eyeballs and be no better off than the guy flipping burgers at your local McDonalds.

Instead, take a look at the rewarding opportunities that stand before you. For example, you can become an educator at a public school—that is, if you don’t mind living in inner city Los Angeles. Over 22,000 teachers have been laid off in California, so all the safe places to teach are pretty much covered already (California Teachers Association).

As you may realize, times like these call for some true soul searching. You must constantly ask yourselves the big questions facing America today, namely: How am I going to pay for the government’s mess after I graduate? Why am I being punished for working my butt off? And how does Joe

Biden have such white teeth?

If you want to be successful, take some advice from a pro. For one, blame President Bush for your all your shortcomings (it always seemed to work for me). Second, if you desire a career in politics, say you’re a community organizer. No one really knows what that is, anyway, and it makes you sound like a true hero. Lastly, if you want to achieve anything without public resistance, do it behind the scenes as I did with health care reform (CBS News). Transparency and bipartisanship shouldn’t get in the way of political promises. The ends justify the means, right?

Once again, I give my best wishes to the entire Class of 2010. Let’s keep hoping for some change.

Brendan Pringle is an English sophomore and Mustang Daily political columnist.

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  1. Ah yes, galvanizing the recession and the national debt. I see you failed to mention the start of the recession and lack of small government due to the start of an 8 year war. And, just to point out, politicians we vote in, vote for the “will of the people”. We know their platform, we vote for them, we give them 2-6 years (depending on position) to do what they said they would do, and if they don’t we try to lobby them to do what we want. Just because a majority of the politicians seem to be big government doesn’t mean that they aren’t following the will of the people. They’re just following the will of slightly more people than you agree with.

  2. As this editorial demonstrates, it’s easier to criticize others than create and articulate constructive solutions. I encourage you to take the intelligent next step, offering productive alternatives rather than petty, misconstrued parodic fluff. Rather than being persuasive–or even witty–,your editorial has in fact lent itself to exhibiting the ineffectiveness of galvanizing conservative pessimism.

  3. As this editorial demonstrates, it’s easier to criticize others than create and articulate constructive solutions. I encourage you to take the intelligent next step, offering productive alternatives rather than petty, misconstrued parodic fluff. Rather than being persuasive–or even witty–,your editorial has in fact lent itself to exhibiting the ineffectiveness of galvanizing conservative pessimism.

  4. I loved all of the citations in this Opinion piece. It seems logical that something written as, an opinion, has backup. I wonder if other opinion pieces have citations in them to back up their claim. (Look to the left page) Nope it sure doesn’t. I sure do love this paper for its equal standards regardless of political affiliation.

    Kudos Editor!

  5. Hi Brendan, it’s me again.

    I’m confused regarding the overall goal of this article. Most good opinion pieces will identify an issue/topic/idea and present their interpretation of the facts in a logical, rational method. A good column will engage the reader, and hopefully find some common ground – if not outright convince them.

    I’m sure this article was cathartic for you, but it doesn’t really engage the reader. A like-minded individual will agree with you, but you will fail to engage and interact with those who disagrees with you. Isn’t it more important to bring your ideas to those who don’t share them? Shouldn’t you try to find common ground instead of engaging in demagoguery?

    I think you should look to your column about the whole cab company/airport fiasco and try to replicate that rhetorical style. You picked an issue and rationally discussed the issues, how it affects students on multiple levels, and what you think the readers could and should do about it. You didn’t spout talking points or use misleading statistics, you made an honest appeal to the reader. Please, do this again.

    I look forward to reading your next column.

    Your Pal,

    “Reality has a well known liberal bias”
    –Stephen Colbert

    1. The reality of an opinion is that sometimes it is simply an opinion, cathartic, as you put it, and not necessarily purposed to engage readers who don’t agree with the opinion. Regarding your confusion, I hope that helps. Yet it appears that he has succeeded in at least engaging you. Or are you an English prof’ scrutinizing Mr Pringles writing skills? No? I didn’t think so; so why so much of a response to something that wasn’t engaging to you? Hmmm

      1. Perhaps you’re working under a different definition of the word “engaging” than everyone else.

        “tending to draw favorable attention or interest”

        The key word you’re missing here being “favorable.” Dude gave very specific reasoning as to why this article wasn’t engaging.

  6. Love the wit Brendan; even though the humor is black, thanks for the chuckles. (Oh, please, it’s not a racist remark!)

    I thought that maybe you were going to write about the president going 0 for 4 in his attempts to save some of the like minded political heads that are begining to roll. Roll ’em, roll ’em, roll ’em!

    You never seem to avoid knotting somebody’s panties, and that’s a good thing; obviously you have more readers than those that agree with you.

  7. I’m glad the economy didn’t dive before Bush was finished, and that the war in Iraq was free of charge. Thank god for that! I mean what if Obama didn’t cause anything? Man oh man….

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