Since President Obama’s masterful speech writer was unavailable, I have taken the liberty of extending his message to all the pending graduates of Cal Poly State University who are about to begin one of the most perilous journeys of their lives: finding a job.
I’ll do my best to translate his notoriously elevated rhetoric to the Class of 2010:
Congratulations. I encourage you all to reflect on the many generations of Americans who graduated during times of common sense and fiscally responsible leadership. When they graduated from high school or college, these lucky ones did not have to worry about the impending crisis of America’s skyrocketing national debt. They did not have to worry about record-high unemployment rates. And they did not have to worry about the deterioration of America’s national defense program.
Sometimes it is difficult for us to believe the world once viewed us as a force to be reckoned with — a model example of freedom and sound, free market capitalism. Who would ever guess my goals were so unrealistic that even French President Sarkozy would mock them as impractical (Telegraph)?
But don’t fret — I have apologized for our greatness, and have made sure that the rest of the world knows we are truly sorry in my last world tour of apology (White House).
In this decade, we have seen millions participate in peaceful protests against those who seek to redistribute their income. Don’t listen to these tea-baggers. Just because they are more educated (37 percent are college graduates) and more refined than most protesters doesn’t mean you should listen to them (CBS News). When you watch the news or read it online, the voices of truth and reason sometimes squeeze through liberal censorship or make their way onto (dare I say it) FOXNews.
Don’t believe them. I will make sure the federal government takes care of all your needs at the expense of all those upper class crooks that could potentially give you a job.
Also, no matter how hard you work, there’s always the chance that you might run into one of those pesky diversity requirements — a stubborn remnant of President Johnson’s affirmative action policy. Or you may discover the threat of illegal immigrants displacing jobs. There are even some evil employers who can’t afford to hire you because they would have to cover your health insurance (CFO). But no worries — I’m sure everything will work out for you eventually.
Throughout the years, Americans your age could have rejected big government and realized that true prosperity comes from hard work and individual effort. They could have fought the numerous Wall Street bailouts of previous administrations, and said no to widespread government handouts. Heck, they could have even voted for politicians who believed in the will of the American people.
But they didn’t.
No matter how you choose to spend the rest of your life, you have the power to change the course of the American story. When I left for Chicago after graduation to become a community organizer, I had no idea that I could have such a prosperous career in breaking the banks and galvanizing the current recession (US News & World Report). Never did I think I would be given the power to truly “spread the wealth around” as the leader of this nation.
I also want to assure each of you that you have the right to take your diploma and seek the most expedient course to a six-figure salary. But please remember, in a few years, you will be taxed up to your eyeballs and be no better off than the guy flipping burgers at your local McDonalds.
Instead, take a look at the rewarding opportunities that stand before you. For example, you can become an educator at a public school—that is, if you don’t mind living in inner city Los Angeles. Over 22,000 teachers have been laid off in California, so all the safe places to teach are pretty much covered already (California Teachers Association).
As you may realize, times like these call for some true soul searching. You must constantly ask yourselves the big questions facing America today, namely: How am I going to pay for the government’s mess after I graduate? Why am I being punished for working my butt off? And how does Joe
Biden have such white teeth?
If you want to be successful, take some advice from a pro. For one, blame President Bush for your all your shortcomings (it always seemed to work for me). Second, if you desire a career in politics, say you’re a community organizer. No one really knows what that is, anyway, and it makes you sound like a true hero. Lastly, if you want to achieve anything without public resistance, do it behind the scenes as I did with health care reform (CBS News). Transparency and bipartisanship shouldn’t get in the way of political promises. The ends justify the means, right?
Once again, I give my best wishes to the entire Class of 2010. Let’s keep hoping for some change.
Brendan Pringle is an English sophomore and Mustang Daily political columnist.