Lee Barats: Yes, we need the Earth
Let me preface this by saying that this could be the most unnecessary argument of all time. Of course we need the earth. Not because it provides all our food and water, but because of the intangibles, the purely aesthetic things that humans just couldn’t live without.
Have you ever been to New England in the fall? Gorgeous. But enough about Tom Brady. The trees look pretty, too. Those leaves can be yellow, red, even brown! If you think humans can survive without brown leaves, consider this story: A man was walking through Central Park alone one night when he was mugged. He was attacked from behind and was kicked repeatedly in the ribs. But before the muggers could make their getaway, a brown leaf showed up and kicked the muggers’ asses. True story. We need the leaves for protection.
Sentimental value. Remember all the good times? That one time I found $20 in my pocket? The Magna Carta? Dinosaurs? Those were the days. But there were also the bad times. Hitler. Stalin. The Yankees. My point is, all these things have created a potpourri of emotions in us all, and all these things happened on Earth. I don’t think we could go live on the Moon and leave all these memories behind.
“Planet Earth,” the show on Discovery Channel. Have you ever smoked a bowl and watched “Planet Earth”? Pretty amazing. Have you ever not smoked a bowl and watched it? Just as good. I don’t know about the actual content, but it’s a beautifully put-together show. Those camera angles, the British announcer, the soundtrack – breathtaking. It’s true that the human race might be able to create something just as good about the next place we live, but “Planet Mars” doesn’t really roll off the tongue.
So there you have it, the only three reasons you need the earth. I hope you’re now much more grateful for these things, as they’re the only things that make this world worth living in.
Sean Michetti: No, it’s time to move on
Well it sure has been a nice relationship we’ve had, Earth. You’ve given me a biosphere that sustains life, and in turn, I recycle and drive a Honda Elite 80 scooter. But I’ve become disenchanted with our relationship, Earth, and I believe I can do much better. You see, I feel like I’m suffocating with your incessant gravity and the predictability of your orbital speed just bores me. Watching Mercury zoom around at 47.87 km/s is such a tease.
Listen Earth, I’m not feeling special anymore. The fact you pay attention to millions of other species as well is insulting. I see the way you favor the quadrupeds. How am I supposed to compete against those physical freaks? Have you seen “Man vs. Beast,” Earth? It’s the Coliseum all over again, a real slaughterfest. But it’s always been about the body with you, hasn’t it Earth? I only wish you would appreciate me for my sizeable neocortex. I am conscious of you, Earth!
I realized it was over between us once you started yet another geomagnetic reversal. You’ve reversed your orientation tens of thousands of times; how can I be sure you’re even attracted to me? If you’re not attracted to me, then fine. But breaking down your magnetic field and exposing my fragile skin to excess UV rays is where I draw the line. If I wanted cancer, I would continue inhaling asbestos recreationally, but I gave it up last New Year . for you Earth.
I pushed all my chips in on this relationship, Earth, and all you dealt me was a lousy pair of deuces. So you can go on bragging about your atmospheric circulation, but I’ve come out of this experience realizing that it isn’t about how big your ozone layer is, it’s who you shield with it that really matters. And I’m feeling very exposed. I’ve always known there was a third wheel in this relationship, Earth – I just figured it was the moon. Now I see that it has been me all along.
Lee Barats is a mechanical engineering senior and Sean Michetti is a journalism senior. Barats and Michetti are the Mustang Daily’s humor columnists and can be contacted at TitsforTats@gmail.com.