Ryan Chartrand

Springtime on campus means a few things. The excuse for not going to class because “the weather is just, OMG, so nice outside” is somehow valid. And the other thing is that there are campus tours everywhere.

Now don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy seeing these tours on a daily basis, and having them constantly in the way of wherever I want to go, but in reality I think there are some things that the tours fail to mention. You just kind of have to think about it a bit. Those who give the tours are there to represent the campus, and they do a fine job in their recruiting hopes. I, however, represent something much different than they do. That, of course, is me representing, well, me. So, grab your tote bags, your fanny packs, some sunscreen, and a whole lot of smiles, ’cause here we go on a tour of campus, the Mike Heimowitz way.

To begin, we’ll start off right here in our very own University Union. Right here we basically have the central location on campus. Want to sit down and take a break between classes? How about getting in some extra reading time and enjoy the nice Central Coast weather?

Or hey, better yet, while you try to do either of those things, you can get interrupted by that one sort of friend you have, that you don’t really want to talk to, but now you have to make awkward conversation with.

Yep, that’s right. All these super fun activities can be found right here outside in our very own UU. Could it get any better?

Oh, but wait! How could I mention the fantastic UU without mentioning the largest club on campus, Campus Crusade for Christ?! Nowhere else will you find a place so peaceful, yet at times be forced to talk about Jesus, no matter your religion. That’s right folks. Even Jews like myself can hear total strangers try to convert us to at least be Jews for Jesus! Totally rad.

Hey, tour group, are you feeling a little hungry? Don’t you fret, because here on campus we boast tons and tons of great eating choices. Toot, toot! The food train is rolling out of the station, so you better all hop on board! Now as your fearless tour guide, I’ll point one thing out.

As a senior living off campus, I must say that at my old age of 21, pardon me for being crass, but every now and then I just want to get those bowels moving. There is no better way to take care of this than to sit down at literally any on campus dining place and grab something to eat.

So, you better get that reading material handy, because after the great campus food that you’ll be having your dreams of being a rogue scholar will finally come true. Set those wrist watches, because in about an hour you’ll be ready to start your learning. Tubular!

How are we all doing so far folks? Good I hope, because as you see so far, there is so much to talk about at this esteemed university.

Before we continue on our tour, let’s all make sure we stay on the side of the road! This, of course, is because of something called “road rage” that many students somehow get on this campus. I have no idea how anybody can ever be mad driving here though since there is such an overabundance of parking spaces for the few cars on campus.

Oh wait, total BRAIN FART. I meant to say that this “road rage” probably comes from the opposite: there are few parking spaces for the overabundance of cars. Hey, slight mistake I just have to apologize. Come on though, everyone makes mistakes right? Even the often genius sounding and incredibly good looking Don Imus slips up every now and then, so I should be able to also right?! Yeah, I should! Awesome!

Oh hey, folks, what’s this in my pocket?! Yes, that’s right, on this tiny slip of paper is a Cal Poly Fun Fact! Did you know that notable people to graduate from Cal Poly include the creator of Jamba Juice, John Madden, musical funny man Weird Al, and uh, did I mention the CREATOR OF FREAKIN’ JAMBA JUICE!? Yes, that’s right.

When you agree to sign on to being a student here, you’ll join the ranks of these people. If you’re anything like me, you can already feel the excitement and high esteem just walking around this campus. Amazing!

Well, there you have it my faithful tour-goers. Sorry I have to cut this tour short, but that campus food is calling my name! Until next time, good luck and make sure you choose Cal Poly!

Mike Heimowitz is a journalism senior and Mustang Daily humor columnist. Find out where the heck his footnotes went at www.mikeheimowitz.com.

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