The Monday Manure is a satire column created to find the humor in the daily life of Cal Poly students. If you’re looking for news, this is not it. If you’re looking for sports, this is kind of it, because we’re having a ball.
Malia Mundy is a journalism junior and a satire columnist for Mustang News. The opinions expressed in this article do not necessarily reflect those of Mustang Media Group.
Fraternity rush brings about the opportunity to meet lifelong friends, share unforgettable memories and find a sense of belonging. With the second week of Cal Poly fraternity rush around the corner, here are a few tips that are guaranteed to boost your chances with the brothers.
Dive headfirst into your dependence on alcohol
Include talking points like when you blacked out in VG’s or how sendy you and the boys back home, and the higher your chances for a bid get. The brothers want to know if you would survive a wine Wednesday, thirsty Thursday, exchange on Friday and darty on Saturday.
Daddy’s Job brings some perks
Networking is no joke in fraternities. Getting straight to the point and telling your favorite house that your dad is a senior analyst at J.P. Morgan (accepting internships this summer) and he makes well over six figures is eye-catching. The OCOB brothers will foam at the mouth.
Cruising chicks should be your main talking point
The brothers have to file through countless numbers of socially inept, uncharismatic men. You should mention your WOW sneaky link and rate the hottest sororities. Letting them know you do more than just play eye tag with women is exactly what these brotherhoods need to hear.
Getting just close enough to using a slur without actually using a slur
Being in a fraternity requires a certain level of locker-room talk. As long as you drop one or two unorthodox phrases during rush, they will know you can hang. After all, no fraternities at Cal Poly have ever had issues with racism in the past!
Dress like a Core Lord
Cal Poly’s frat scene is less Vineyard Vines and more vintage surf apparel. If you want to pander to the fraternities, throw on some jorts, rainbows, a beanie and curate a taste in music so niche and performative it boggles the mind. Never shy away from the classic snapback and mustache combo, though.
These hands don’t haze?
Communication is key during rush, and you want to have all of the information. Asking about what kind of prehistoric, homoerotic rituals are performed for pledgeship is mandatory. Bonus points if you offer to get familiar with GPHI’s pool, consume your own barf or hike Madonna at 1 a.m. (or all of the above if you’re feeling brave!).
It’s unnecessary to rush a frat in college to have a social life, but sometimes Greek life chooses you. By closely following these tips, you’ll receive an autobid, and maybe one day, you’ll be lucky enough to be a 50-year-old man drinking with 20-year-olds during alumni weekend.