Lauren Rabaino

What you know about thrift store ballin’? Wearin’ shoes someone else’s feet have been all in. Don’t go to the mall for expensive denim; rock pants that have had at least two asses in ’em. Uhhhh! That’s right, thrift stores are a prime source for sweet clothes, especially T-shirts. But beware, there are imposters. Brands like Abercrombie and Fitch and American Eagle Outfitters have been making thrift store knock-offs. Do not be fooled into following this trend!

These shirts are printed so that the design looks faded already, which begs the question: if regular shirts fade and look like thrift store shirts, then pre-faded shirts fade into.? Future scientists, get back to me with an answer to that one.

One of Abercrombie’s knock-offs says on the front, “My lucky number is 3, bring a friend.” Another gem says “I’ll make you an all-star on the walk of shame.” What these shirts should say is, “I would buy a real thrift store shirt, but they don’t have enough sexual innuendos for me.”

Instead of following this trend, lead a new one by buying anything from a thrift store. You’ll be surprised how much more rewarding it is to find a one-of-a-kind shirt with an unintentional sexual innuendo than to have Abercrombie mass produce one for you.

Now I understand that you have to stay loyal to your brands, but what about Gecko? Weren’t you loyal to them once? Remember Body Glove? I’d like to, but I haven’t found one of their shirts yet. And ladies, don’t you miss Esprit? I know it misses you.

Fashion always comes back around, so find the most ludicrously out-of-place clothing and rock it with some confidence. Then when the style comes back, psssh, guess who rocked it first? Somebody in the ’70s, but you re-rocked it first.

Here’s a great idea to really get ahead of the fashion game: jump into some parachute pants. Sure, people will laugh and stare and ask you where you got your time machine, but just remember, you’re too legit to quit, and so am I. We’ll start a Facebook group, which will start a nationwide phenomenon, which will start a global change in the fashion industry, and then we’ll go back to wearing regular pants because parachute pants are funny-looking on windy days.

But seriously, let’s stop buying knock-off thrift store merchandise. If you want pants with holes in them, wear cheap pants until there are holes in them. There’s no need to pay a company to carefully assemble a pair of jeans and then tear them up; that’s what playgrounds, bikes, skateboards, and asphalt are for. There’s no need to drop $25 on a shirt with a faded design; the thrift store has those for $5 and under. So what you won’t be blatantly advertising your sexual prowess with some cheeky slogan; has that ever gotten you laid anyways? If it has, lead the way, man; make a business card, put a video on YouTube, or better yet, put up a sandwich board at Dexter Lawn. Just don’t buy into fake vintage; feed it to the TRENDASAURUS.

Brian McMullen is a journalism senior and Mustang Daily columnist.

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