The Manure is Mustang News’ satire content. JDAWG SAYS is a satirical advice column written by a staff member in Mustang News. This content is intended to be satirical and does not necessarily represent the views of Mustang News.
This article contains adult content, and viewer discretion is advised.
Unless you’ve been living under a fat and juicy rock, you have also not been able to think about anything other than Heated Rivalry. This show has completely taken over my brain and my female friends’ feeds. Even my straight male roommate is on board.
There are a few things you should be taking away from this show, beyond the need for a squat routine.
A lot of you are lying
I know it’s a hard truth, but it’s okay. The bro talk in the locker room is hard, and lines are blurred in your male friendships. The circle jerks are probably the worst. But have no fear, JDAWG is here. Hit my line anytime.
Women like men who like men
Dare I say: straight men are out 2026. It’s an unavoidable truth at this point; straight men are boring. No style and no ball. Instead, this year, women and gay men alike want slightly unavailable and slightly unattainable men. Gone are the days of gay best friends, so bring on the gay boyfriend.
Cal Poly Hockey…
Apparently, Cal Poly has a hockey team? We don’t have an ice hockey team, but catch me watching them on the field and roller rink. Slightly less hot, but I really hope the teams capitalize on this moment. Play it up for the crowd. Pull a fan on the field/rink to declare your love. Let us see your texts.
Hockey is kinda fun
I used to watch a lot of hockey when the Blackhawks were good. But little did I know, there was probably a lot more action after the games than on the ice. I might need to start watching regularly to scope out the IRL Lily and Jane.
Don’t forget to do your homework
The fan theories. The books. The edits (including the infamous Google Drive edit). While waiting till 2027 for season two, the Heated Rivalry content beyond the show is filling in my love for Connor Storrie and Hudson Williams. But, you have to remember: this is not real life. You have assignments and class, get real.