Kali Bills

When celebrity blogger Perez Hilton visited Cal Poly Thursday, I expected a night filled with juicy gossip and nonstop laughs. Instead, I was left with Perez’s life story and endless promotional plugs for his upcoming projects.

Now don’t get me wrong, the entire event wasn’t a bust. Things picked up when Perez played an exclusive clip of his unreleased song “My Penis” and proceeded to dance around the Chumash stage. (Yes, he’s also an aspiring musician and his song really is called “My Penis.”) His pop/dance/techno song was quite catchy and how could you not like a song with lyrics like, “My penis is scandalous”? Perez’s other unreleased song, “Hot Mess,” should be just as amusing. (I think it’s safe to say “Hot Mess” is a probably a tribute to the ever-unraveling Britney Spears.)

I believe Britney pays Perez’s bills, and I’m pretty sure he would have to agree. Perez said he “lives for the Spears family” and believes Britney is “in a category all her own.” When asked if he preferred Britney or Lindsay Lohan by an audience member, Perez replied, “I like Britney Spears more. She’s good for business.” (Good for business? She is your business!)

The only celebrity gossip Perez really discussed during the night was: Avril Lavigne’s hatred for him, John Mayer’s apparent porn fetish, John Travolta and Dolly Parton’s sexual preference, an encounter with Tara Reid when she was supposedly “drunk and on blow,” and Zac Efron’s makeup collection.

I do have to admit that this blogger/actor/musician/comedian/motivational speaker/record label owner/pop culture enthusiast/Madonna worshipper has defied the odds by turning his blogging into a lucrative career. Perezhilton.com apparently receives millions of hits a day. The idea for the Web site began as just a bulletin on the social networking site Friendster.

The former struggling actor, who appeared on one episode of “The Sopranos” (and only had two lines), is now supporting himself by bagging celebrities and scooping the tabloids. Although throughout the event Perez claimed he did everything himself, he let it slip that his sister helps him and that he recently hired another girl. Perez said he receives a lot of e-mails from his friends with insider information, helping him keep his Web site up to the minute with “celebrity juice.”

Allegedly, Mario Armando Lavandeira, Jr. (a.k.a. Perez Hilton) is such a big deal in the Los Angeles scene that he has to go by a “character” name because of death threats from Clay Aiken fans. (If he really receives threats from Clay Aiken fans, I don’t think he has to worry.) He said “Perez” is not what he is actually like, but that having this alter ego allows him to be more outrageous. Perez revealed he exaggerates things to get a rise out of people, which is exactly what has made him famous.

The highlight of the night (second to the “My Penis” song, of course) was the video Perez made from onstage showing all of his Cal Poly fans screaming and doing the wave. He actually posted the video on his Web site shortly after his Cal Poly visit. If you desire to further the fame of the self-proclaimed “media whore,” check out the minute-long video (http://perezhilton.com/2008-01-25-six-degrees-of-zacquisha), pay to see his upcoming movie (coming out later this year), or buy his songs when they are finally released on iTunes.

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