Lauren Rabaino

To epic flicks, people herd like cattle, so bring out the beasts, it’s time to battle.

Hollywood is out of control right now. Ever since the era of computer-driven special effects began, we’ve been seeing epic movie after epic movie. But you gotta wonder, how will this escalation of epic-ness end?

We saw epic war movies like “Troy” come out and dazzle us by showing thousands of ships carrying men with stupidly long hair to battle. Then “Lord of the Rings” and “300” changed the game to the point where no movie is truly epic unless 14,000 gorillas, 2,000 giraffes and 9,000 rhinos fight side-by-side with humans. Basically, the escalation of epic-ness has reached the point of inter-species combat, and Hollywood is going ape-shit with it.

We’ve got “Chronicles of Narnia,” “The Golden Compass” and now “10,000 B.C.,” the tale of a caveman who fights against elephants, dinosaurs and armies of thousands in civilizations that probably never existed. Hollywood, please, you want me to believe it’s 10,000 B.C. and this dude is speaking fluent English and fighting dinosaurs?

“Epic” used to mean Will Smith saving the world from aliens (in “Independence Day” … who thought I was talking about “Men In Black”?). It also used to mean a lamp, a vacuum, a radio, an electric blanket and a toaster embarking on a journey to reunite with their owner. Have we forgotten about the epic qualities of “The Brave Little Toaster”?

Hollywood needs to be stopped for our safety. Escalating the epic-ness we’re currently experiencing might be harmful to the human heart. Can a person survive witnessing humans and animals joining forces to fight off extraterrestrial invaders who have brought animals from their planet to fight earth’s greatest warriors in an all-out bloodbath until one man, alien, animal or alieanimal is left? Oh, did I mention it’s also Armageddon and a mad scientist has cloned dinosaurs and set them free?

A hero will rise from our ranks and, of course, at some point in the film, call out to the rival leader, saying something like “Before this day is over, you will be dead” or “I will see you on the battlefield,” only this time he says it to a 40-foot-tall tiger-lizard that has 18,000 tentacles made out of pure energy. And lava.

And then halfway through the movie, when the love story is getting played out, the zombie invasion hits. But these aren’t your ordinary zombies. Well, they were until the vampires and werewolves came and bit them all. Now they’re zombie-wolves.

At this point in the film, at least two audience members’ hearts have exploded, but that’s not enough for Hollywood. Just when you think the movie is over and all the aliens, alieanimals and zombie-wolves are dead, a time warp opens up and robots from the year 7010 appear, ready to lay waste to our survivors. Can our hero deliver an epic speech to rally what’s left of the manimal team to defeat this new futuristic menace? Will audience members be alive to see the rest of the trilogy?

Start exercising and eating healthy now so that you can pass the necessary physical examination to see the most epic movie ever – the TRENDASAURUS spontaneously combusted just reading the script. And don’t believe that a movie is epic just because it says it is. “Epic” should mean “superior in quality and scale,” not just “really long with huge battles involving man and beast and cheesy dialogue.”

Brian McMullen is a journalism senior and Mustang Daily columnist.

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