Douglas B. Bruzzone and Michael Matzke

We know how this looks, faithful Mustang Daily reader. You think the Two Classy Gents sold out. And while it is true that this column is now sponsored by Hometown Buffet, please understand we would have written this article anyway. In all sincerity, there is no finer dining experience than that grandiose town where everyone knows your name.

When you enter the H-Town, presumably after learning the wait at Tahoe Joe’s is at least 45 minutes (ridiculous!), you are greeted by one of the marginally depressed staff members. Doesn’t this make you happy that you don’t work there? The wage slave will ask what you would like to order, and you really only have one option: the biggest damn buffet this side of Sizzler.

The dining establishment comfortably seats up to 16 of your relatives, or eight of your really fat relatives. Luckily, the H-Town accommodates more than just your physical needs. It’s open on holidays such as Thanksgiving, Boxing Day (for you hosers!!), and the Winter Solstice. A holiday means it’s your day to do whatever you want, and that includes not cooking for anyone. Besides, it’s your hometown and everyone’s just like family. Feel free to reveal all your innermost secrets just like you drunkenly would at an actual Thanksgiving.

Let’s get this out in the open: the cornbread is amazing. We don’t know what they put in it (black tar heroin?) and we’re a little scared to find out, but we’ll do whatever it takes (fight fatties) to get our piece of that golden bread.

The open bar is outstanding as well. Take your pick from such favorites as Coors, Natural Ice or Coors Light. And every hour is happy hour! Note: Sundays from 3-4 a.m. is affectionately known as “The Groping Hour.” It’s basically like you have a sign on you that says, “Hey, attractive middle-aged women, there’s a hungry man on the loose, and he’s out on the prowl!”

By far, one of the most pleasurable portions of the dining experience is the outstanding music. Here’s how it works. Representatives from the H-Town break into your room prior to your dining experience and upload your entire iTunes library onto the store’s database. Some might find this move creepy, we find it reassuring that a mainstream mom-and-pop restaurant cares this much about the way you live your life.

And talk about entertainment value! Isn’t it great when they “promptly inform you” that your car is illegally parked in a handicapped spot?! Don’t let your coworkers get a hold of this gold nugget, ’cause you’ll be the talk of the town (H-town) at the water cooler this week!

Classy: Now serving STEAK & FRIED SHRIMP six and seven days a week. Enjoy steak and shrimp plus all of our other buffet selections including desserts and beverages for one low price.

Uncouth: Sizzler, because it’s for pagans and jerks.

This Classy/Uncouth addition was sponsored by your local Hometown Buffet.*

Doug Bruzzone and Mike Matzke are Two Classy Gents who usually attend “The Groping Hour” on a regular basis.

*Hometown Buffet did not actually sponsor this week’s Two Classy Gents.

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