Ryan Chartrand

Let’s face it – the state of current television sucks. There is really no other way to say it. Our most popular shows are reality shows like “American Idol” and “Deal or No Deal,” and while these are forms of mindless entertainment1, the art of the TV sitcom has surely been forgotten.

Gone are the days of good ol’ fashion crazy family hijinks. Don’t worry though, because with this “Guide to Life” we’ll get this problem under control, as a new sitcom will be born.

First things first, we need one of the main characters to be a zany, off the wall, and total and complete cut up2. “Family Matters” had Steve Urkle, “Saved by the Bell” had Screech, and “The Factor” has Bill O’ Reilly3. So, as we can see with these three shows and these three guys, they were all there in attempts to make the viewer laugh every time they horribly attempted and failed to pick up women, would try to fix things and only make them worse, and to have wacky sexual harassment lawsuits against them4.

For your sitcom, come up with a character that you will be able to base the rest of your show on. To do this, go with what you know. For me, I’ll stick with the Jewish theme because one, Jews are inherently funny with what they say and two, Jews are inherently funny in how we look. To add on to my Jewish character, as by just being Jewish isn’t awkward enough, I’ll also make him gay to add some more conflict.

Now, when I think of where a young, gay Jew would not want to hang out at, I would likely automatically think of South Central LA. This brings me to my next point: Pick a place so ridiculous for your character that the whole “fish out of water” tactic will surely work every time. We all know how these stories go. Moses’ dad gets demoted from work, it forces the family to move, and where else can they go but the only affordable living they can find.

Now what we have is an awkward gay Jew who now has to make life work in a predominately black area of the world, where he might not be so easily accepted. By using the whole “fish out of water” tactic, I now have left the show open for all kinds of Jewish, gay, and more Jewish jokes that will be likely rapped at Moses throughout his life. What? Rapped at Moses? Now hold on tight, I’m not completely racist here by assuming that all black guys in South Central just rap everything, as this brings me to my next point for this new sitcom.

Moses not only is a gay Jew, but also a gay Jew who has dreams of becoming a rapper. See what I did that time? I now picked a job for him that there is no way he would be able to do, at least initially. I have the room for him as the show progresses in each episode for him to get better and better at what he is trying to do. Basically, each episode will show Moses, who as a Jew is also blessed with no sense of rhythm what so ever, and how he goes around town trying to learn to rap from the others he meets around him.

My name is Moses and I have a big nose, girls I’m sorry but this will never be your hose. Eh, you get the picture.the lyrics can be written later.

Moving on now to the other essential characters that should be in these types of shows. It is ever so important to have a good supporting cast. First, there is the dad who just is hardly around because he has to work so much. While he is home though, he is able to give just enough funny one liners to make him valuable to the show.

The mother on the other hand is the typical Jewish mother that won’t only nag her son to death, but will leave him going to school every morning with huge lipstick kisses on his cheeks5.

The third supporting character is Tyrus, the backup quarterback for the high school who for some reason or another “likes Moses’ style” and “wants to show this Jew the ways of the T.” Man, I just go the chills thinking about this friendship, and I’m sure you did too6.

Last but not least, we’ll give it a catchy title like “Oy Gay it’s Moses!” and what we have here is the next television success of our generation fully Howie Mandel free7.

1 Yet I am in awe of Howie Mandel’s talent more and more every time I watch
2 Make it easy for every TV critic because by including this character, they’ll already be able to say that much.
3 Oh take that Fox News! Democrats can I get a holllaaaaaa?
4 Urkle, Screech, and O’ Reilly in that respective order
5 Sorry, that just got way too personal for me. I was trying to keep myself out of this.
6 Shoot no, that isn’t me blowing air at the back of your neck as you are reading this.
7 OK fine, I’ll get him to make a guest appearance or two to bump up ratings during Sweeps Week.

Mike Heimowitz is a journalism senior and Mustang Daily humor columnist.

Check out his rapper alter ego, MC Meshuganuts, at mikeheimowitz.com.

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