Ryan Chartrand

Man, I’ll tell you, with the election Wednesday and Thursday, I sure have been on the edge of my seat. The ever so important ASI changing of the guard will be taking place, and if there is one thing I’m absolutely sure of in life, it is knowing how important these elections are1. I mean, it doesn’t even matter that I’m graduating, or even the fact that I really never knew the impact one candidate can make over another.

The fact is that there are flashy signs and free water bottles and other give-aways from candidates, so I’m all for this event. Now, I know it is too late to make it on the ballot for this election, but for this Guide to Life I’m going to prepare you for the election and even give you pointers on how to run for office in the future. Oh, and hey, if you need to know my background knowledge for this one, I was secretary of the student body when I was in fifth grade, so I know what’s up2.

First, you have to come up with a catchy slogan. Many times, this will either be some sort of play on words using your name, and/or totally breaking all copyright laws you can by stealing premade logos. I was able to do both of these things in my fifth-grade election as my signs all had the Nike swoosh with my name written under it. It was genius really to have “Mike” be pronounced “Mikey” like “Nike” since it was under Nike’s logo. I guess I’m shocked now that Nike didn’t sue me for all my fifth-grade ass was worth3.

Doing this for your election serves a few purposes. While I wouldn’t recommend to do this now as it breaks the law, if you want to be some sort of badass and rip off companies like Gatorade or Adidas or whatever then “just do it” and steal for all its worth.

Now that we have our slogan and logo, it is time to start that campaign. If you have checked your facebook.com account lately4, you probably already have been bombarded with “Vote (or reelect) Insert Name for Insert Position” group invites. Apparently, there is no better way, god forbid personal interaction, to campaign. In this group description, it is important that you fill it with all the rhetoric you possibly can.

Make sure you find that one good English major to proofread and to make it sound good. Here, the thesaurus is your friend, as instead of saying, “Vote for me because I’m the best candidate,” you can say something like “Mark your ballot for me for the reason that I’m the superlative aspirant.” I’m not even sure what “aspirant” really means, but it doesn’t matter, because apparently, now that you are running for office, you must at least sound as smart5 as possible.

No campaign would be possible without a platform. So, probably the easiest and most common way to do this is to state the obvious with your campaign. You have to tell the people what they want to hear, making sure not to make any lies that are too ridiculous.

To do this, simply state something along the lines of, “I’m here for you. I’m here to represent you. If elected, I will serve my position with an open mind and an open door. Yes, that’s right, instead of saying that I’ll make parking or campus food better, I’d rather take the specific things you tell me, and work to solve those problems.”

By saying this, you do a few things. One, you try to sound sincere. Two, you make it look like you care about what people want, and in turn, people will feel good. In the end, though, I doubt the majority of people will go to the ASI president to bitch about their needs, and rather just go straight to the higher ups. But hey, in the end, you’ll win that election and not have to deal with those problems anyways.

So, there you have it. With my fool-proof way to run a campaign you can be that next ASI president. Thank me later for the full tuition you’ll receive, the office that you’ll get, the permanent 24-hour-a-day parking spot you’ll have, and whatever other perks that come from the job.

1 Well, that and knowing that Eddie Murphy probably shouldn’t make “Norbit 2.”
2 Also eighth grade president, freshmen president, my high school’s student body secretary, and student body president. But hey, who’s really keeping track?
3 And make me pay them off by making shoes in sweatshops in Cambodia.
4 And of course you did.
5 Or should I say “elegant, neat, tidy, stylish, chic, well-dressed, well turned-out, or well-groomed” – All synonyms for “smart.”

Mike Heimowitz is a journalism senior and Mustang Daily humor columnist. See why you should fake vote for him at mikeheimowitz.com

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