My goal today is not to inundate you with endless complaints about Facebook etiquette (for more on the topic, see Every Conversation I’ve Ever Held).
Rather, I’d like to take a moment to polish my own statue and talk about an accomplishment I recently made within the realm of the Facebook universe: I recently gave about 40 of my “friends” on Facebook (“The Hipster’s MySpace!”) the axe. Also, I understand that while I call this an accomplishment, it really means nothing in the fictional social universe that is casual online networking.
Now, some people may find themselves distraught when they log onto their Facebook profiles and find that my presence no longer graces the News Feed on their home page.
No longer will they have the pleasure of knowing “James Koman wrote ‘I am writing something pointless’ on Somebody Else’s wall!” or that “James Koman is attending Someone Else’s birthday party that you were not invited to!”
No longer will they be able to peer into my life like a fly on the wall or creepy voyeuristic stalker, which is why I should apologize to these 40 persons who have recently been axed.
But before you attempt to re-add me as a friend just to leave a slanderous message on my wall, please let me explain my reasons.
REASONS WHY YOU’RE NO LONGER JAMES’ FRIEND:
1. I Haven’t Talked to You in Over a Year
If anyone would like to explain to me how you can have a casual relationship with an individual without any form of communication, I’ll nod politely without actually listening to you. We all know you don’t need to actually see a person to share a relationship with him or her.
If you’re like me, the prospect of talking to a person – especially a member of the opposite sex – is a frightening and daunting prospect. That’s why I write this column, as a cover for my own crippling social insecurities. I regularly resort to alternative modes of communication with my associates, such as e-mail, various hand signals through the window of my car, and shrill bird calls.
Yes, with this behavior, you’re wondering how I had 40 friends on Facebook to begin with. SCREECH! I figure that if we haven’t communicated in over a year, we probably weren’t that close to begin with.
2. Our Interactions Were Strictly Academic, and It Is Unlikely We Will Be in The Same Class Again
I have a bad habit of befriending every laboratory and project partner I’ve ever worked with on Facebook. Most of this stemmed from my freshman and sophomore years, when the number of friends you had on Facebook was the most accurate gauge of coolness.
Now, having asserted myself at the apex of Cal Poly coolness standards (see previous paragraph “why I write this column”), I can finally shake these lovely people from my body like leeches after a dive in the ol’ swimmin’ hole. Thanks for calculating velocity that one time back in physics lab, but that doesn’t mean we’re serious.
3. I Have Zero Emotional Connection to You
Some people who I came across on my list I couldn’t even remember how I came to add them on Facebook in the first place. Their faces were startlingly alien, with some ravishing beauty, but strange nonetheless. Sorry folks, but it takes more than a pretty face to keep me as your friend. I often require some sort of Herculean athletic feat, or a batch of cookies.
Also, there were many people with whom I’ve not communicated as far back as freshman year. However, I do have heartwarming memories of their heartwarming personas that still manage to warm my heart when my heart needs warming. These memories usually consist of inside jokes, or times when the person hurt themselves and I laughed at their misfortune (see second-most previous paragraph “why I write this column”). Good times, good times.
For those of you who have survived my first wave of destruction, you are safe for at least another six months. To the rest of you, I encourage you to free yourselves from Facebook friend clutter. With this purging, I feel refreshed, like those celebrities who go on detox diets, only to replace delicious salty meals and sweet desserts with highly addictive drugs.
And to the people I have dismissed from my friends list, I wish to cause you no offense. I hope you find success, wealth and spiritual fulfillment on whatever path you pursue in life, as long as it’s honest success and wealth, or I somehow profit from it. In that case, please add me on Facebook.
James Koman is a biology junior and a Mustang Daily humor columnist.