Yes. Don’t be silly.
Now don’t get me wrong, I think love is fantastic. Without love, we wouldn’t have puppies, candy canes or consensual sex. However, love isn’t the greatest thing in the world. Whatever love does, something else can do better. And that thing is drugs.
A friend of mine who recently fell in love with a girl said to me, “Love is the greatest feeling in the world.” I introduced him to heroin and he was screaming the same thing about black tar just two hours later. No matter how love makes you feel – euphoric, energetic, depressed – there’s a drug for that. And I bet these sweet, chemically-induced emotions are much more intense than your stupid, sober emotions.
Some people will claim that love makes their heart go “pitter pat.” I’m not exactly sure what this term means, but if you wanna talk about love’s effect on the heart, drugs have it beat. Have you ever done a line of pure ‘caine and then checked your pulse? It goes through the roof! Love may or may not produce positive physical results for your heart, but blow is its own cardio workout. Let’s see love replace a half-hour jog and a bowl of Fiber One.
Another good thing about drugs is that you can always count on them. Let’s look at the reliability of love for a second. Love depends on a person’s feelings, which can change at any moment, especially if they do drugs. On the other hand, drugs are specifically designed to give you exactly the mood you want. While you never know how a person will make you feel, you’ll always know how a drug will make you feel.
People say love brings the world together. Really? Is that how I know Angelo, my Columbian friend? Nope, I know him through drugs.
No. Love on your lover.
No, and if there is, toss it in the trash, CAUSE WE DON’T NEED IT, BABY. You think Bermuda has the greatest triangle? That would be a comfortable assumption, but fortunately the “Devil’s Triangle” is outdone by sweaty, passionate love. You see, love is a triangle, formed by these three points: friendship, sex and alibi. These three points are the sole reason humanity does not die out. Because without love, there is no lust, and minus lust, we have no babies. No babies equal quieter plane flights and the end of humans. Let’s explore the three points – friendship, sex and alibi – which hold our hormonal society together.
Love creates friendships almost out of magic. I have friends who, one week, tell me about this disgusting, annoying girl who sits next to them in class, passing gas the entire time. But suddenly the next week, the two are exchanging promise rings and using pet names like Peachy Pie Love Muffin. Love will take two people who are nothing alike and, with enough pheromones, mold them into new best friends. With this power, love can be turned into a weapon of mass consummation – a WMC. And the more WMCs our world leaders have, the more sex we’ll have.
Sex. There isn’t a workout regiment we’d rather follow than 30 minutes of heart-pounding sex a day. And anyone that tells you different is a eunuch or eunuchoid. Sex does sell, and not in the prostitution sense. The bar scene, for example, is a great time. But it only exists because of sex. If any other business tried to jack up the prices on its products the way bars do, it would be called Enron. In a relationship, you don’t have to flirt and empty your bank account to get sex, you just have to lie next to each other. Simple.
Have you ever been single, roaming the town, having a good time, when all of a sudden you’ve committed pre-meditated murder? Well, now you need a good alibi, and if you’re in a relationship, you have the best alibi. Of course your lover will say you were with them at the time; they want the relationship to continue, and that can’t happen if you’re serving 25 years to life in San Quentin.
So remember, on this Valentine’s Day, don’t give your lover a heart-shaped box of chocolates; offer instead a triangle-shaped promise to have sex with them and to tell the authorities exactly what you were doing.
Lee Barats is a mechanical engineering senior and Sean Michetti is a
journalism senior. Barats and Michetti are Mustang Daily humor columnists and can be contacted at TitsforTats@gmail.com.