Lauren Rabaino

I’m an eco-thug; my hustle’s for that green. I don’t drive by, I bike by, if you know what I mean.

You know how every year the tabloids predict the sun will turn blue or red or explode, causing Armageddon within a month, but on the date predicted it never happens?

Well, they’re actually almost right. I mean, according to scientists, the sun has been trying to kill us since the beginning of time, but lucky for us, our gas force field denied most of its deadly rays. Now, ironically, we are doing the sun’s bidding by depleting our ozone. What will it take for us to survive? Crafty marketing campaigns encouraging us to “go green.”

The whole “green” trend is really good for the environment but really bad for sanity. Lots of products today are touting themselves as green. It makes one wonder: Is NBC really doing the environment good, or was its “the green network” campaign just to get us to watch Tracy Morgan act a fool in “30 Rock” (he’s the best character they’ve got and he gets the least amount of airtime, WTF Tina Fey?)?

Would there really be big-ass hybrid SUVs developed if the “go green” marketing campaign wasn’t effective? And why do they still make hybrids that look like cheap Disney Channel-movie versions of future cars? Will gas-only body styles one day go out of style? Will we all drive four-door sedans that have only the bottom half of the back tires exposed? Hell no. Just make hybrid versions of the cars we have now.

Going green isn’t just a way to sell products; it’s also a lifestyle. For example, www.treehugger.com gives readers tips on how to live and die green. That’s right, there’s an article titled “How to green your funeral.” What’s the difference? For real, I’m not made of Styrofoam. I’m going to decompose, and my big marble coffin will be no different than a large rock in the ground. I have often wondered where we’re all going to be buried in the year 4047 when the U.S. is developed from coast to coast and cemeteries have no open room to expand. Eh, by then we’ll all be litterbugs in space, throwing our waste out the window like Ron Burgundy’s burrito.

On a side note, is it just me or does it seem like more than a coincidence that we started hearing about this whole global warming thing only after Captain Planet went off the air? Don’t even try and tell me the Planeteers aren’t real. They’ve all been forced to take minimum-wage jobs in their native lands and give up their dreams of saving the world.

We don’t need cheesy corporate ads to save the planet; we need Captain Planet. He could save the polar ice caps with one breath and we could go back to driving our Excursions and H3s.

But really, let’s get over “green” marketing and just start having “green” products. Big whoop your company is reducing emissions while producing hand soap. I don’t run a television ad every time I recycle or ride the bus. Go ahead and “go green” with your lifestyle, just save yourself the strain when it really won’t make a difference. And help the TRENDASAURUS find the opium den where Captain Planet is lost in a cloudy haze of depression and impotence.

Brian McMullen is a journalism senior and Mustang Daily columnist.

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