Editor's note:
The Manure is Mustang News’ satire content. JDAWG SAYS is a satirical advice column written by a staff member in Mustang News. This content is intended to be satirical and does not necessarily represent the views of Mustang News.
We’ve all been there: an essay magically appears out of thin air. There is just no way you have time to finish it in two weeks when you have six parties and three bar crawls coming up. It’s crazy how professors just expect us to figure out a thesis and find four sources.
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Here are some excuses when you just need a few more days to get everything sorted out.
“Sorry, ChatGPT was down.”
This is the modern-day “my dog ate my homework” or “my laptop broke.” At this point, it is silly to think anyone is writing an essay without a chatbot — even the people on a high horse who claim to support the environment or have ethical concerns. Let’s be real, the essay will probably be graded with Chat too.
“This topic didn’t really resonate with me.”
Not liking a topic can literally be used as an excuse these days. “I don’t think this essay connects with my future goals.” BOOM! “This subject matter is negatively impacting my mental health.” BAM! “Can I suggest an alternative assignment due at a later time?” BANG!
“The UV was an 8.”
It’s cold and wintery along the Central Coast right now (relatively, of course). When the UV hits anything above a 5 during Winter Quarter, that is a reasonable excuse to miss a deadline. The professor probably also wants to spend time outside to hide from his wife.
“I misplaced my Bible.”
The Bible is more important than ever as a source for academic papers. It’s also pretty understandable if you left your Bible at your youth group leader’s house by accident. Or if you left it on a park bench because you wanted to give a homeless person a prayer. Just tell your professor the Lord will guide you to the essay soon.
“The bars were busy! Had to skip writing to get downtown early.”
Sometimes, and Imma be really real, the bar lines are way too long to be assigning a Thursday night due date. Professors should know better, but in case of this issue, just let them know kindly that it’ll be done by Monday.
“My Hinge crush and I are finally hanging out.”
First off, JDAWG is a little jealous. Secondly, this is absolutely valid, especially with the millennial professors who you’ve probably, unfortunately, seen on Hinge. When the call comes, girl, drop everything.
This satire originally appeared in the January printed edition of Mustang News. Check out more stories and the full edition here.