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The Manure is Mustang News’ satire content. JDAWG SAYS is a satirical advice column written by a Mustang News staff member. This content is intended to be satirical and does not necessarily represent the views of Mustang News.
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Jeffrey Armstrong gets a real stick up his ass every March. The Hathaway block party, which generated millions of hangovers over the course of a decade, is officially dead. Last year, Cal Poly and San Luis Obispo schemed to rid the town of fun once and for all, and they were successful.
This year, their “Morning on the Green” concoction is back and blander than ever. Odd Bob and Rolls-Royce are set to perform at 5 a.m., while police from around the state will yell at students who even think about crossing California into the Hathaway air space. The artists leave much to be desired, unless you’re a frat-flicker.
Here’s who should be performing that morning:
Literally any person of color
This is pretty self-explanatory, but I fear event organizers didn’t want to alienate Lambda Chi Alpha or Alpha Gamma Rho. But imagine a world where Summer Walker or Steve Lacy meander onto the stage. The stadium would collapse.
Charlie Kirk
Now if Cal Poly really wanted to make a statement, they would bring Kirk back from the dead like Jesus and have him continue to spread his gospel. This headliner would assuredly resonate with Cal Poly’s target audience.
Health services providers
It’s impossible to get an appointment in the health center these days with an understaffed team and the flu spreading like… well the flu. If you put some providers on stage, people would attend.
A man who can provide
This would get all the girls and gays running for the barricade at 5 a.m.. Put the type of man on stage who knows how to plan a dinner date and take you home, consensually, to show you a good time, consensually. Whew.
A unicycling furry
People are just fascinated by furries. Cal Poly should put some of the furry club members on the stage with some unicycles and a weird Thundercat beat. The acid and shroom users would eat this up.
Lockheed Martin internship committee
Securing an interview is next to impossible these days. Enough of the career fairs, let the future war-criminals have easier access to the engineering firm of their dreams.