The Hoof is a satire column created to find the humor in the daily life of Cal Poly students. If you’re looking for news, this is not it. If you’re looking for sports, this is kind of it, because we’re having a ball. Ha. Puns.

Elijah Winn is an environmental earth and soil science sophomore and Mustang News opinion columnist. The views expressed do not necessarily reflect those of Mustang News. 

Mormonism is catchin’ like COVID-19! The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is expanding by using a business model they call multi-tiered marketing. The genius of this approach is that the church is providing a series of goods and services that they sell to investors. These investors then recruit people to work for themselves, selling their own product as members are continually recruited. Essentially, you can be your own boss. 

To visualize this business approach, imagine yourself –– the boss of many employees –– and under each of them: many others, until there is a mass of people at the bottom, working under you. Don’t think about the people above you.  A small membership fee is asked of new members –– think of it as a subscription for the betterment of the church. Some have taken to calling the subscription Jesus+. This fee will allow high ranking clergy members to invest in the faith of others. Faith is the newest subscription service!

The goods offered by the church practically sell themselves! There’s an anti-homosexual ointment that cures all LGBTQ+ afflicitons; why be happy when you can be closer to God? They’ve got a chastity belt that has multiple locks, for your multiple wives. Need help finding a synonym for prejudice? The Holy Thesaurus can help you explain to your neighbor why they’re wrong about their religion. Additionally, the church is offering a guidebook that includes Joseph Smith’s wisdom on how to remember your children’s name with a handy numbering system. Also, with the purchase of the premium guidebook it will include how to convince a populous you’ve spoken with Jesus.

With all of these goods and services, the Mormon Church is hoping that the beauty and everlasting love of God can be spread to more and more people. They’ve even deemed it more infectious than COVID-19. 

The inspiration for this new direction of the church came from the Book of Mormon, in which Jesus declared to Joseph Smith, “woe to the man that does not sell off his product by the end of the month, I give unto man the institutions of triangle shaped business to spread my grace and consumer products.” 

Critics of the Mormon Church have suggested that this practice is eerily similar to an illegal business model known as pyramid schemes. While the similarities can be recognized, the differences are undeniable as God himself. The difference lies in the structure of the business model. 

While pyramid schemes are unsurprisingly pyramid shaped, the Mormon church’s new model is triangularly shaped. Pyramid schemes emphasize bringing in more and more investors that funnel money to the top of the pyramid, while the Church’s triangle prioritizes baptizing more and more members that then funnel money and faith to the top of the triangle. Again, the differences are as clear as day and the later afternoon. 

The intersection of faith and business is a fascinating development in modern society that has resounding benefits. Mass consumerism and devotion to God have never been more popular. This new business practice has seen an increase in consolidation of power in the top echelons of religious society, allowing a select group of people to commune and understand God’s wisdom. It’s like democracy without the boring voting part. 

The aggressive expansion from the Mormon Church’s multi-tiered marketing allows them to spread their teachings globally, so that increased populations can understand that they’re wrong and that other people are right. 

The modern world has seen a repackaging of crusade-like tactics in regards to faith. People’s faith is being pitted against each other as they argue so viciously that they are correct and everyone else is just an “other.” We can’t stop to think reflectively or introspectively. 

The installation of the triangle shaped business model by the Mormon Church has helped society cope with our collective issues, aided more people to understand that we’re all just human and someone has to be completely right about everything. In this case, that someone is the Mormon Church. Welcome to the triangle. 

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