Ryan Chartrand

Editor’s note: The Bunion is fake news. Period.

SAN LUIS OBISPO- Calvin Chester, a 286 pound man with a lumpy labyrinth of extra flesh on the exterior of his body, made a determined resolution to eat more and exercise less in 2007. The overweight Chester brags that he has no family history of obesity, that genetics played no role, and attributes his width mainly to his self-described “gastronomical love affair” with pork products. Friends say he can consume entire sausage ropes as though they were licorice.

“I’ve been 30 percent above my ideal body weight for about three years now, give or take a few percent here and there depending on the frequency of my trips to Wienerschnitzel,” Chester said. “Recently, I discovered that I am eligible to receive disability benefits at my place of work if a doctor designates me as morbidly obese. But, legally, I’m just a sub-morbid regular fat-ass until I hit 322 pounds, or about a C-note above my fit weight if you want to get technical. So I’ve got a hard road of eating a lot and not exercising ahead of me.”

Taking his commitment to his health very seriously, Chester is planning to make simple everyday substitutions such as butter for margarine, bacon for lettuce and springing to buy a reusable 55 ounce. X-treme Gulp Mug for sodas instead of the usual 40 ounce. Big Gulps. To ensure success, Chester plans to purchase a Segway Human Transporter and eliminate walking almost entirely from his lifestyle. When we informed him that the Segway in fact has a 250 pound weight limit, he was dismayed, but quickly bounced back in the spirit of New Year’s saying he “knew there would be obstacles along the way. One hurdle isn’t going to keep [him] from finishing the race.”

Chester theorized that he could probably purchase two Segway units, strapping them together like the double hulls of a catamaran, and use one for each foot. Then, with an approximate 500 pound capacity, he would have more than 175 pounds of capability in reserve by the time he reached his goal. The extra capacity could be useful for carrying around multiple Butterball turkeys, his pork smoker and smoking equipment, or for expandability if he ever chose to continue his weight gain in the future. Chester also informed us of his plans to modify the humidifier in his home to output high fructose corn syrup into the air. This would allow 25 percent of the humidity to produce calorie gains almost effortlessly as he breathes.

Chester stresses that the list of things he can do to help attain his goal is limitless.

“It might seem like a difficult thing at first, but when you really focus, there are a lot of ways you can improve yourself,” he said. “For example, by eating right before bed and increasing my sleep hours, I can convert more carbohydrates into stored fat and lower the average rate of my metabolism over the length of the day! Sometimes, when I get weak, I’ll sit there and think greedily of a plate of healthy steamed broccoli and a 6-mile jog, fantasizing about giving it all up when my goal is so far from sight. But I snap out of it, force a couple of HoHos down for good measure, and feel really great about myself and my discipline. It’s going to be a long year, but with will power and the support of my friends and relatives, I hope to make 2007 my fattest year ever!”

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