Ryan Chartrand

First of all, welcome back from break. Hope it was a good one. You still look good as ever, and sure haven’t lost your charm. Glad we got that small talk out of the way, because I want to get straight to this week’s topic with, well, the most literal meaning of “potty humor” that I can. I’m not really talking pee pee and poo poo “potty humor,” as fun as that is to write, but rather something that is much more highbrow…male bathroom etiquette 1. While it seems like it might be a straightforward type of thing, guys seem to still, for lack of better words, act crappy in the bathroom.

Before we get any further, ladies, I’m sorry, but I really don’t know much about your restrooms. You see, it is not quite socially acceptable for me to go in one of your restrooms, so any sort of research would be close to impossible 2. I’ll continue to assume though, like most guys, that your bathrooms are full of things like rose gardens, classy music and beautiful fountains 3. I mean, why else would you girls go together to wait in such long lines to get in there, and then, once in, want to stay for so long? For now though, the mystery of the women’s restroom will be as obscure, as I don’t know, who really did let the dogs out 4?

OK, so back to us dudes. The first rule I think is pretty straight forward. That of course, is to go to the farthest urinal from the door. The restroom is for everyone to share my fellow men, and going straight for the first urinal right by the door is not the most inviting to anyone else coming in. I suppose if it is an emergency and the first urinal you can get to is the first one you must use, then so be it, but otherwise, slide to the last one in the row.

Speaking of this whole friendship/being inviting thing in bathrooms, really, there is no reason to make any eye contact or conversation with anyone in there that you don’t know. Basically, just go in, do your business, and get the hell out. There are a few exceptions to this rule though. The first is that it is OK to do a head nod if eye contact is absolutely unavoidable. This is the nod from up to down though, and not from down to up. Big difference. If you don’t know what I mean, read those motions through and do it yourself for practice. Ah yes, getting interactive with this week’s “Guide to Life.”

The second exception to the rule is that the only conversation you can have can be about two things: One is the weather, and the second thing to talk about is how close the current day is to the weekend, and how you can’t wait for it to come. For example, you can say, “Man, sure is cold outside” or “Thank God it’s Thursday. This has been the longest week.” That is it. Nothing more, and saying less is actually still encouraged.

The third rule is that you must get out of there as quickly as possible. Once you’re done, there is no reason to really stay in there. Look at yourself in the mirror, make sure your hair looks OK, give a little gun and trigger salute if nobody is watching 5, and leave. Pretty much, you don’t have to stay in there to completely dry off your hands after washing them, because whatever you are wearing is perfectly absorbent enough for that 6.

There is nothing worse than trying to pee while you feel like you’re being watched by other guys in there 7.

On the subject of bathrooms and urinals, I do have one more request. I’m not sure if anyone is reading this that has any power over this, but can we get urinal dividers in every bathroom? Now, don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a privacy thing at all because of, um, size or anything,8 but really, can a man just pee without having to look over his shoulder every few seconds?

Well, this takes me to the end of another “Guide to Life.” I hope you learned something as I took you into a world that really is familiar, yet has the distinct rules that must be lived by to avoid any sort of well, poopy, interactions with others.

1 See, using the word “etiquette” already makes me sound so much more mature.
2 And apparently it is “immoral,” “disgusting,” “unethical,” “irresponsible,” and “illegal” to put cameras in girls’ restrooms. Who would have thought?
3 The only fountains I ever see are when I try to pee as far from the toilet as I can.
4 Seriously, who, who who?
5 Winking at yourself, pointing at yourself, and flexing are also acceptable, unless someone spots you doing it.
6 And hey, to be honest, nobody really washes their hands after peeing anyways, so don’t do it just for show.
7 OK, Oprah mud wrestling Rosie O’ Donnell would be worse, but that most likely never will happen in a male bathroom.
8 =====> Sorry, I just wanted to put that picture somewhere in this article. And no, that is not the actual size.

Mike Heimowitz is a journalism senior and Mustang Daily humor columnist. Give him a nod at www.mikeheimowitz.com.

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