The Manure is a satire column created to find the humor in the daily life of Cal Poly students. If you’re looking for news, this is not it. If you’re looking for sports, this is kind of it, because we’re having a ball.
Malia Mundy is a journalism junior and a satire columnist for Mustang News. The opinions expressed in this article do not necessarily reflect those of Mustang Media Group.
On Friday, October 31st, Cal Poly parent Rick Flannery was hospitalized attempting to kegstand at a ZBT party he attended with his wife, Karen, and daughter, Shea.
Environmental engineering freshman Shea Flannery brought her parents to the party because Mustang Family Weekend overlaps with Halloween.
“I’m still going to party, duh,” Shea said. “It’s Halloweekend first, parents’ weekend second.”
Cal Poly Police and the university are taking the incident seriously, but have ruled out moving Family Weekend to an alternative weekend that does not overlap with Halloween.
The incident occurred around 9:30 p.m., when fraternity brothers encouraged fathers at their party (who looked like they missed the scene a little too much) to give the kegstand a shot.
Rick obliged and was hoisted into the sky by two brothers.
“It was like watching Icarus fly closer and closer to the Sun,” one of the fraternity brothers said. “I could see the exact moment he fell from the heavens and remembered the pain of our mortal world.”
After making it to the infamous “seven count”, Rick slipped off the keg and landed on his back. Shea remembers the incident as tumultuous and frightening.
Shea said that as she called an ambulance and searched for her mother, Karen Flannery was preoccupied “flirting with a fifth-year dressed as an escaped prisoner.”
Rick was hospitalized and sustained mild injuries to his central vertebrae that will require physical therapy. The doctors also suggested regular therapy for his bruised ego.
“It’s not our fault bro couldn’t hang,” ZBT president, Casey Moore, said in a public statement. “Can we all just chill out a bit?”
Shea said later that her father was in great shape before the accident, and would never fall like that on his own.
“Yeah, I pushed him off the keg,” Shea said in the last minute of her interview. “I saved Halloweekend for all of Cal Poly by making dads scared of the frats. Don’t look at me that way.”